Humor ne Anglisht (18 +, just in case) [Humor ne gjuhe te huaj]

[Endless]

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE''!!!! lol

[Endless]

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW




A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives
and the wife takes.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,
he still ends up with the same boss.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. LMAOO


A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire

[Darius]

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't notice it."

That's priceless

[Force-Intruder]

Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That
Morning.

I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And
Say, "happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy
Birthday."

I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will
Remember.

My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For
The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.

As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning,
Boss, Happy Birthday!"

It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered.

I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said,
"you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday,
Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."

I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day.
Let's Go!"

We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go.

We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two
Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously On The Way Back To
The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We
Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "let's Go To My Apartment."

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss, If
You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll
Be Right Back."

"ok." I Nervously Replied.

She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came
Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And
Dozens Of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".

And I Just Sat There...

On The Couch...

Naked.

[Force-Intruder]

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty
advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do
at the dinner table!"

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled
hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?"
he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be
so kind as to please pass the p#ssy."

[xfiles]

Sa e fort kjo e fundit .

[Force-Intruder]

A guy is strolling along Vegas Strip when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much?"

The Hooker replies, "$500 for a hand-job." The guy's jaw drops: "$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

The Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. See that casino just across the street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some p#ssy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a p#ssy."

[Force-Intruder]

thenks tu huever brout dhis thred bek gajs... mins a lot tu mi

[INFINITY©]

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment.'


His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all; Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' And returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, ........


'The egg timer's broken.

[Urban]

Some funny quotes that i saw in various T-Shirt's :

1. Mines Seriously Damage Your Health !
2. God made Adam & Eve , not Adam & Steve !
3. If you at first dont suceed, skydiving is not for you !