CODE OF CONDUCT BINDING ALL MEN. THOU HAS BEEN WARNED.

We bet the Big Guy had the best intentions when he handed down all those commandments. (You know: Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not...Well, there's a bunch of `em.) But Moses' buddies already knew murder was kinda uncool. What they were fuzzy on were the finer points of male behavior, like whether there's a Swedish-stewardess loophole in that pesky adultery guideline. So Moses sent his cousin Randy back up the mountain for a divinely dude-centric set of commandments. Unfortunately, Randy stopped pff for a beer and left the holy tablets sitting in the desert. Until now! During a recent excavation on an ancient sports bar (Go, Philistine U!) Maxim made another stunning discovery, unearthing this sacred artifact that further codifies a host of timeless, universal laws. Read on, believers, and transgress at thine own perl!


Rule #19: No guy shall attempt to pick his own nickname. If a friend suddenly starts demanding to be called Diesel, it's your duty to saddle him with a handle like Wee-Bit or Sheet Stain.

#187: Never, ever put up your girlfriend as collateral in a poker game, unless you're holding a full house or better.

#188: You are within your rights to leave the poker table early if you're up. And the other players are within their rights to duct-tape your shaved body to the axle of a Peru-bound semi.

#476 (The Big Screen On Campus Rule): A man's salary should never be used to judge his social status or virility. The size of his TV should.

#511: When asked, your best friend's girl is always beautiful--and never your type.

#663: Even if God Almighty himself asks, you have no damn idea what brand of conditioner you use!

#674: You must mantain to the death a "rampaging rhino"- type anecdote to explain all scars. Admitting your toaster boo-boo dishonors you and your listeners.

#689: If you score tickets to a major sporting evet and take your girlfriend over your buddy, he is perfectly within his rights to spend those three hours boning your mother.

#692: Friends don't let friends drive drunk--but they alse don't open their fucking mouths when their sober friends are driving 115 mph in the wrong direction in a one-way-street.

#711: It's OK to shed a few extra pounds; it's not OK to gush about "having delicious shake for breakfast and a sensible dinner."

#723 (The There's Only One Trivia King! Rule): Knowing who played lead guitar in Grand Funk Railroad is cool. Knowing who holds the American Leage record for postseason RBIs is cooler. And knowing the cubic inches of a '68 Pontiac GTO engine trumps 'em both.

#732: Sex with a hot stewardess is still cheating. But sex with hot Swedish sewardess twins, surprisingly, is not.

#776: There is no such excuse as "I am not properly attired to partake in this impromptu athletic match." In fact, freshly pressed $2,000 suits make a great third base.

#802: You are not a fan of a major sport unless you can lucidly explain its overtime regulations. Conversely, you are not an American if you can lucidly explain the overtime regulations of soccer.

#881: When ordering pizza, you are not required to provide a meatless option for any vegetarian interloper. If you have a backyard, however, you may invite him/her to grace.

#1,000 (The NutraSweetie Rule): Drinking a diet soda doesn't make you gay. But it does make you look gay.

#1,111: One does not shave one's nether regions unless one is prepping for open-nether-region surgery.

#1,304: The proper housewarming gift for a buddy: beer. The proper goingaway gift for a buddy: beer. The proper "checking into Betty Ford" gift for a buddy: light beer.

#1,765: If you're the new guy at work, "New Guy" is your only name until a new new guy shows up--even if you're been a senior VP for 12 years. Got is, New Guy? Great, now fetch us some coffee, New Guy!(God, we love that.)

#2,552: If it doens't come with a side of meat, it ain't breakfast.

#3,005: The loser of a bet must be prepared to pay up on the spot. The winner, however, is obligated to accept any reasonable lameass double-or-nothing proposition, until the debt reaches one gazillion dollars.

#3,969: Thou shalt not take credit card to a strip club. Unless it's a corporate card--then it's hello-o-o, champagne room!

#3987: You can only falsely claim another guy's personal anecdote as your own if (1) there is a chance the story will get you laid, (2) the guy you're stealing tfrom lives in a different town, and (3) no one in earshot can prove you never spent three years as a guerrilla leader in Bolivia.

#4,001: Under no circumstances may one man ask another man a question that begins with, "So, what are you wearing to...?"

#4,262: An anecdote about a threesome, no mater how unlikely and overwrought, may not be interrupted for any reason.

#4,884: The official ranking of your friend's dorkwad hobbies, in order of how intensely you should mock them:
5. Fantasy sports leagues
4. Stamps collecting
3. Comic books
2. Doily knitting
1. Star Treck conventions

#4,893: Unless she is specifically invited. it's not OK to bring along your girlfriend when meeting a drinking buddy. What the hell are you three possibly gonna talk about?

#5,177 (The Rise `N`Shiner Rule): If your girl wakes you up with a good-morning hummer, you must obey her every command until sundown--c'mon, that's more than fair.

#5,212: Thou shalt not take the name of Tracy Lords in vain

#5,883: A man should be able to consume the weight of his own head in alcohol at one sitting--but should not attempt to actually determine the weight of his head after his eightth tequila shot of the morning.

#6,520: Any man caught gossiping must wear a skirt over his pants for one weekwork.

#6,777: You are not an alcoholic if:
- Beer accounts for only one meal per day (and two snacks).
- Women will still sleep with you for free.
- You know the guy whose shirt you puked on.

#7,000: If a man compliments your "outfit," he is accusing you of being gay.

#7,546: When your girlfriend or wife goes on an endless rant about how crude, stupid, and lazy your buddies are, the proper response is to nod your head and say, "You're absolutely right, dear. And they're on their way over."

#7,547: No phone call between men shall last more than one minute per year of friendship, unless it' about fixing something.

#7829: If your girlfriend refuses to do anal, or to swallow, or to perform any other sexual favor, it is your duty to stop her from spreading her evil gospel among your friends' girls.

#7,911: A man's hair shall not be longer than his girlfriend's.

#7,975: It's OK to like Fight Club, Seven, and Snatch. It is not OK to be a Brad Pitt fan.

#7,982: Honor thy girlfriend's father and mother--at least until they're fooled into believing your intentions are honorable.

#7,995: One pair of feet? One pair of shoes.

#8,102: Never speak ill of another man's dog. Always speak ill of another man's cat. If the other man owns a gerbil, find another friend.

#8,109: Never have sex with a woman who's wearing a watch with a second hand.

#8,201 (The Hos Ahoy! Rule): If your buddy invites you to spend the weekend aboard his boat, it's understood that you'll be bringing along at least one hot chick--and that she won't whine about the "cramped quarters" or her bikini top being used as a fish stringer.

#8,231: You may pleasure yourself in the shower, but not in the shampoo.

#8,296: Formula for number of sex partners to tell your girlfriend you've had: Conquests she can prove + 1. Formula for decoding how many sex partners your girlfriend has had: (partners she claims+10) x (number of sex toys she owns) x (number of times you've seen her burn a cigarette off a male stranger) / (number of Amy Grant albums in her collection).

#8,323: The retribution for cracking a joke about screwing a guy's mom, sister, or girlfriend should be proportional to how likely it is that you would actually do it.

#8,411: When it comes to animals, remember this simple rule: Carnivores=pets; herbivores=food.

#8,659: It's acceptable to have sex with a woman 20 years older than you if:
- She's European.
- Her husband and servants left her alone at the mansion for the weekend.
- You're 10.

#8,745: When hugging another man is required, as when encountering an old friend while drunk, only arms, chest, and shoulders may touch; the hand may be used to clap briskly on the back, but may not stay on his body.

#8,746: Corollary: Never hug another man from behind or allow yourself to be so hugged.

#8,820: Never loudly insult the jukebox selection at a bar with more than six Harley-Davidsons parked out front.

#8,825: If You're behind the wheel, you pay the speeding ticket, even if your passanger has the Ebola virus, is bleeding from his eyeballs, and is begging for a ride to the emergency room.

#8,901: No man shall purchase a Christmas gift before December 22.

#8,911: The accepted excuse for making a mule's ass of yourself in public, age 29 or younger: "Dude, I'm so-o-o drunk." The accepted excuse for making a mule's ass of yourself in public, age 30 or older: "Hey, I pay my taxes."

#8,959: It isn't mandatory that you contribute to every coworker's birthday/get well soon/going away gift fund. It is mandatory that you contribute to every coworker's Super Bowl/March Maddness/turtle race betting pool.

#8,990: Any man whose wife or girlfriend does the grilling must
wear a frilly pair of oven mits in public for a month and explain why to any curious passersby.

#8,992: If a married man lets his wife keep him away from two consecutive guy outings, said pals may legally move into his living room and begin the intervention process.

#9,999: Money borrowed from a pal absolutely must be repaid...sometime over the course of your life. Take Your time.



by Steven Russel and Alex Straus