Do you feel that you've been unfairly labeled as a fat, dumb, lazy drunken slob?
Absolutely. and every time I try to pull the label off, it tears out my chest hairs.
Complete this sentence: A day without TV is like...
I don't want to play this game. It might come true
Describe your perfect meal.
Bottomless.
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
An interviewer for a major men's magazine. But now that I see you just interview fat slobs like me instead of hot chicks, I'm not so sure.
How safe is nuclear power
Look, nothing is 100 percent safe. I'm taking a risk every day when I get in my car, drive 120 miles per hour down a crowded sidewalk, and smash through a police roadblock. But what else are you gonna do?
Fair enough. So tell us the truth: Marge is a wildcat in the sack, right?
A gentleman never tells. If you want to know, you'll have to secretly videotape us, like Moe does.
Is she the only woman you've ever "done it" with?
Marge is all I've ever needed. You know what they say:"Once you go blue, you never go poo." Wait, that's not right...
What's your favourite mood music?
"Jingle Bells" with those barking dogs. It's perfect music for every mood.
Quick, give us the names of all three your children!
There's Bart, Lisa, and...uhh...Baby Lisa.
If you had to choose between Bart and Lisa, which one would you pick?
Well, Bart's more fun...but Lisa always knows the best way to snuff out flames when I set myself on fire.
All right, then: what if you had to choose between donuts and bacon instead?
If you'd ever had a donut with bacon sprinkles, you'd know how ridiculous that question is.
Since the whole choking thing doesn't seem to be working, are you developing any new techniques for disciplining Bart?
Whoa, whoa, whoa...Let's not give up on choking just yet.
What do you want to do when those dang kids finally grow and move out of the house?
Drink a case of beer. Hey, wait, I could do that right now...
Is it true that you begged George Clooney to give you a big role in Ocean's Eleven?
Excuse me? He begged me to do it. When I turned it down, he just gave the part to Julia Roberts.
Life's unfair that way. Do you know how much a gallon of milk costs?
Milk? Never heard of it.
Please describe your relationship with Ned Flanders using only positive words and phrases.
Uh...neighbor...he has a mustache...diddley...green sweater...stupid Flanders! This is so hard.
If you could be the major of Springfield for just ine day, what would you do?
I would rule with an iron fist, crushing any and all who would dare defy me! And then maybe try to get into a movie for free.
Why can they sent a man to the moon but not perfect the beer squishee?
They sent a man to the moon? Whoa, where have I been?
How are you helping Barney remain sober?
Anytime he thinks about drinking, I drink twice as much.
You must have a surefire hangover remedy...
Sleeping facedown on the front lawn until the sprinklers come on.
What's your position on euthanasia?
It's the only humane thing to do. We tried it on Granpa a few times but it didn't take.
What has been your most painful near-death experience?
The one I'm having right now. Could you pull this nail out of my head?
Do you believe in afterlife?
I believe in a land where the rivers all run with beer and donuts rain down from the sky. I'm pretty sure it's somewhere in Europe
We've noticed that Marge's sisters haven't been around much lately. Should we be ...suspicious?
You really think I'd be stupid enough to kill Marge's sisters? And have them come back as zombies? Man, that's the last thing I need.
Who would you want to face if you appeared on Celebrity Boxing?
Anna Nicole Smith. She's the only other celebrity in my weight class.
You've been a snowplow driver, a rock-tour roadie, a department store Santa, a public safety advocate, a baseball mascot, a car designer, a country music manager, a beer brewer, and a bunch of other stuff. How do you feel about being a Renaissance man?
If by Renaissance man you mean I'm a guy with a short attention span, then...um...What the hell were we talking about, anyway?
Have you ever considered running for president?
If my country calls, I will answer. Unless I'm screening.
What's the last book you read?
Lisa's diary. She really sticks it to Bart!
Speaking of family, do you have any advice for those Maxim readers who are considering settling down?
Consider this: Ten years from now you'll be fat, bald, and angry, in a dead-end job, with three kids that make your life a living hell...and it'll all be worth it.
Where the hell is Springfield?
Six miles south of Shelbyville.
Interview by Steven Russell
Appeared on Maxime magazine
p.s. coming soon: The Code
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