The Golden Hadleyburg Methods

[wittstar]

The Golden Hadleyburg Methods

I had slept well all the night.Woke up early in the morning,chanted my prayers,read some pages from a modern author about collective paranoia in some civilised societies,and then turned to the computer to check my email account.I almost always start that routine from the junk mails.Hardcoreporno-delete.Adult movies-delete.Multinational company searching for computer scientist.Read the email to the end then turned to the next one.
The message was from my home country Albania: Albanian Private University of Durres needs a specialist in English.The applicant should have a master’s or at least a bachelor degree from a Western University.If interested fill the forms.
My thoughts turned to the past,licking the same sweet souvenir again and again.I had come to this European country with a strong desire to study and get a degree in law from a Western University wishing to turn back to where I had come from,intending to give a hand and bring some wind of change with God’s help.That was not my lot.For some very humanitarian reason the host decided that I should not study any more and be instructed instead in the scientific methods of the Hadleyburg Police Academy.That was it with my studies and that was it with my ignorance in the esoteric science of the Hadleyburg police methods.And here was still this mail from Albania asking for a a guy who might have landed on some other corner of the Earth where they simply let students study what they have chosen to,and where they do not impose them initiation and deepening into the Esoteric Science of the Police Academy.
Incurable optimist as I am,I turned to other emails successfully supressing the memories of my initiation in Hadleyburg.
Then again this email:trust internet shops,buy drugs online.Turned to the other message.It impressed me immediately once I set eyes on it.Big letter email as if it were written for my vision.:

International Competition

The government of Burma invites any specialist in police methods to write a treatise on how
to get rid of and liquidate political opponents without attracting attention of the population or of international bodies.Our Junta has made bad experiences in the past.In one case as you might know we even ran crazy after a Burma woman to whom they then gave an international
Dynamite Prize.
So please if interested send us
your treatise which should be no more than 120 pages.
The winner will be rewarded in money,will be given Burmese citizenship and will be given chances to experience things humans never have dreamt of.

I read the email again and again.I said to myself this is worth trying isn’t it.Was n’t the honorable police of Hadleyburg so generous to you as to betray almost all the tricks of their trade.Are you a racist.It is a Junta,so what.Do you have the right to let those Asiatic
Junta officers who seem to be in great urgent need to suffer and suffer simply because they were never given access to the most sacred police methods of the Hadleyburg
police to which you were initiated and on which you were trained for such a long time and so thoroughly.If you were a doctor and the Junta Commander would ask for your help,what would you refuse to help him? Of course you would help him,knowing quite well that he
would give some other mass murder orders right after leaving the hospital.
So don’t be a hypocrite.Help the Junta.Well- what
about Democracy,what about Freedom for all,Justice and stuff? But if you help them all what you could do is just teach them the Golden Police Methods which the Hadleyburg police was so kind as to teach you.What about the legal aspect.After all are n’t these methods among the most precious secrets of this country,things journalists never come to know? I see the risk there for myself and my innocent son but do you want to be that selfish.Imagine Gauss had never published his math stuff mathematics would have died out as a science.Without Kant we would never know anything about the monster in himself,and without Marx the world would never know what envy is capable of.
Tell me do you want this planet to remain eternally ignorant of the Golden Hadleyburg
Police Methods.
No.You do not want that to happen so start writing.Be active
and help the Junta.
As you may have already guessed I yielded to the scientific drive of spreading Hadleyburg police science beyond the borders of this continent.I sat down and wrote for hours and hours,day after day describing meticulously all I had learnt as a target,all
I know about the Golden Hadleyburg Police Methods.
When the work was thus done I chanted another prayer:God forgive me for betraying secrets of a Giant of democracy to a military Junta.Then I wrote a summary of the treatise trying to introduce my asiatic readers to the jewels that they should expect in my 120 pages treatise.I am even giving here some lines from that summary

1.Once an intellectual is classified as a threat to the national interests of the state(this can be because of orders from above,because of him having showing sympathy for rivalling democracies ,or other juntas,police officers in the field should be charged immediately with the task of screening him,or her with a clear objective in mind.What nerves him,what are the wounds of his past.
2.Once negative charges identified the political section of the police should use police cadres in the terrain to bring the target into a state of paranoia.
3.When goal two has been fulfilled step three should be applied without delay-Through mouth to mouth messages,through recruited neighbours, and last but not least through electronic devices the target should be brought to believe that he or she has become completely insane.
4.If the effect of the electronic technique as described in the treatise does not bring the expected results,work should be continued through recruited neighbours and other contacts to the target to expose him systematically to suggestions and remarks ,which should be done in fool conspiracy,aiming at destroying him mentally.The sentences should be very short and should be whispered in an emphatic dominating tone.
5.Top Secret-What follows is a top secret unique method of the Hadleyburg Police Academy .The most golden of the golden methods of Hadleyburg .
It is a trick no other country in the world knows or should know.The idea is very deep,like Fichte's philosophy on which it relies.Through human contact the target should be brought to develop an interest in synchronic thinking and put himself at the center of the world.
This can be done by bringing him or her to read intensively C.Jung especially his work on Synchronicity and the coincidences of everyday life,reflections on the frequency of coincidences as written by scientists of the science of physics,and he should also be brought to develop an interest in primitive thinking.
At the same time he should be exposed to experiences of deja-vus as much as possible.If he goes to a cinema and watches there a horrible personage on the screen or among the spectators the next day he should be exposed in the streets of the city or in his neighbourhood to doubles of that personage.And this should be very often that he may meditate about those weird experiences and become feebler and feebler in mind.
6.Once step 5 fulfilled the target is by now almost netted.It is only a question of time till the day,the hour,the minute,and the second comes that when the target,thus programmed into a paranoid will sooner or later develop anxiety and will be the light pray of the first police provocateur,thus giving the police cadres in the field free hand to help him enjoy democracy by bringing him democratically to a democratic insane asylum.
In the asylum he should be forced to share the cell with ultranationalists,or police cadres who are gone crazy and who thus should finally be given the chance to finish the job and kill him.The chances are great and so the democratic state finally,quite democratically gets rid of its most democratic subject,the intellectual.End of summary.

I read the treatise many times and then sent it through a merchant to the Police Academy of Burma.
Days,weeks and months passed without me getting any answer from the Police Academy of the Junta.I expected at least an email as I had also given them my email address but I got none.
One day it was almost 11 before noon,as I was sitting alone on the sofa I heard a knock at the door.It was my Chinese neighbour.
-May I come in.Surprised I said :of course please come in.This was very unusual.
Generally my neighbour was very shy only knocked at the door at times to say hello and never entered the house even when my wife was present.
She entered the house,sat on a chair and fixed her eyes on me with a definite expression of pity on her face.
-I want you to know that I condemn the Chinese government, for that.Will you accept these sweet things I have brought for you and your family? I wish that we still remain good neighbours in spite of that.
This was enough.I said ei wait a minute.Are you ok? What is this talk about the Chinese government,what the hell have I got to do with the Chinese establishment.This state suffices me…
-Oh it seems like you do not know it.How can it be? Well I feel sad to tell you that you have become a very notorious person all over China and as I understand,not only in my
country but also in Russia,Singapore,and Venezuella.As I heard from the Chinese media some Chinese hackers have attacked the computers of Burma and have stolen Top Secret information from the computers of the Junta.Among them a treatise entitled –Top Secret.Golden Hadleyburg Police Methods,with you as the author.According to the media of my country now the Chinese government has denounced your support of the Burmese Junta.As far as you are concerned the Chinese government has declared you a very dangerous person for the Chinese Democracy.You will not be allowed to enter Chinese or
Russian, territory because according to them with your knowledge of the Golden Hadleyburg Police Methods,you pose a threat to the democracy in those countries,meaning that you might contaminate or mislead their police cadres.
Felt very sad.Had thought about anything but hackers.How on earth did I not reckon with the ignorance of the Burma Police Academy in computer science.

Author:Wittstar


There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute

[wittstar]

1.having showing sympathy-sorry this is an obvious printing error.It should be having shown sympathy ...

[wittstar]

ELEGY ON THE DEATH OF A MAD DOG

Good people all,of every sort,
Give ear unto my song;
And if you find it wond’rous short,
It cannot hold you long.

In Islington there was a man
Of whom the world might say,
That still a godly race he ran,
Whenever he went to pray.

A kind and gentle heart he had,
To comfort friends and foes;
The naked every day he clad,
When he put on his clothes.

And in that town a dog was found,
As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel,puppy,whelp,and hound,
And curs of low degree.

This dog and man at first were friends;
But when a pique began,
The dog,to gain some private ends,
Went mad and bit the man.

The wound it seem’d both sore and sad
To every Christian eye;
And while they swore the dog was mad,
They swore the man would die.

But soon a wonder came to light,
That showed the rogues they lied:
The man recover’d of the bite
The dog it was that died.

Author:Oliver Goldsmith