He could have easily have fabricated some counterfeit answer, which would have sufficed to explain the situation. It would have eased the degree of the burden from his encrusted back and have provided some comfort of knowing that he at least justified his actions. However, this would have only confirmed his cowardice and the attempt to explain, would further affirm his guilt. No, he could not commit himself to this kind of self inflicted degradation. To escape by means of complaining that he was helpless, on the other hand, threatened any self-security, which he had collected from the pitiful looks of the bystanders.
In fact, he was helpless! He owned this flaw to his dependence on the growing awareness that he was somewhat challenged on the area controlling bodily operations. Nevertheless, how was he to explain this? Any sincere effort to clarify his incapability, as he would like to refer to his lacking, would lead to further embarrassment. The predicament presented before him slowly seemed to recede to the back of his mind when he thought how selfish he had been. Suddenly he realized that he was not at all guilty or owed any particular responsibility for what had conspired. He argued with himself that he was not selfish but rather a symbol of a new level of self-awareness. Thats right! He could not let himself be the victim so he found it easier to become some deluded hero without a cause to fight but the defense of his own inner victim. In that case, he could truly claim that he was not partial to any of the events, which unfolded in his presence but only partially biased to his conception of where he stood in them. Or as it truly happened: where he neglected to participate.
He looked for the answers but apparently all in the wrong places for after countless visitations he failed to find one. He could not help but glance at the contortion frozen on faces with the hope that they would melt and reveal the secrets which they so dearly guarded in their wrinkles. It pained him to think for a moment that the others had the Answer. He was quite aware of the fact that they were somewhat responsible but pretended as if they had no influence. This gave way to further aggravation and inspection of their faces once more for the answer. With a certainty that never had presented itself this strong, he scanned their faces as a street thief. The one that hides right under our nose and when we are most vulnerable they rob us blind. While in his youth he would have never resorted to such trickery he saw it necessary to steal if it by any means provided him some consolidation. Then, the mere thought that he belonged to such a category or had the will and wish to steal forced him to blink for after what had happened he had evidently forgotten to do so. For a second, he saw the whole thing reappear as a black and white film projected on the thin, wrinkly screen of his eyelids. The fluids of his eyes flooded the image and it disappeared .It all unfolded before him and he could not help but acknowledge that in reality it was just an event with a pure and simple explanation. NO! That was not the case at all for he had tried endlessly to find an answer or even a facial expression to put forth to the others. The one that he currently displayed was that of a guilty innocent. It sabotaged him and left him naked to the eyes of others. The facial expression he sought would at least decorate the situation with a smile of ridicule around the situation, he would even settle for a poignant look of desperation and remorse. His face was currently out of negotiations. It had went into hibernation and left him with the face the guilty innocent. Was it possible that he could present the end of both spectrums in his face? We all know that is almost impossible although somewhat conceivable when considering our own embarrassing conditions when our own face and mentality neglected to fully incorporate the body and soul in the plead for innocence. The disagreement of the two deserted us, Agno, you, even me. In any case it results in the reduction from living to a mere existence denying the purest purposes of being.
I am sure that to Agno the demise of life into existence was far from existing let alone take a life of its own. But does the lack of acknowledgement of existence deny Agno the possibility of guilt and innocence residing within him continuously in the same time frame.
In reading the answer from the faces of others he came to the undeniable conclusion that things were equal in existence and so his face to was ultimately revealing his inner plight. But how much was his face telling to the others, and had it already reached a point where any attempt to repair the damage would not reconstruct his self-esteem but construct a safe harbor for shame, disgust, lies and disillusionments. Ah! Alas the virtues worthy only of a jester had taken presence in him. To Agno they mirrored in greater magnitude: shadows alone threatened to swallow and infect beyond repair. It was precisely the shadows of his previous accounts which had come to hunt and haunt him. While I cant be sure of the shape of these shadows visible only to Agno, I imagine them to be imitative of Agnos youth, manhood, and his crippled contour of old age. My acquaintance with him extends to his early days, my early days, where such occasion would have been the center of our momentary conversation and while I reflect on it now the severity of such embarrassment would never have occurred then. He had never fallen prey to such scrutiny and his biggest critic has his own vanity. Upon the threshold of old age he had forgotten to look back and bid farewell to his youthful ventures and now they were the niche of existentialism wounded by mortality-the greatest perfection of life. For once, Agno was one step closer to the human whose aversion he had created.
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the passage above is a dry run which i had neglected for a long time so i thought if i post it i might be inclined to finish it and edit it rather than the jumbled jargon which it is .
LILITH
Pėrgjigju Duke Cituar
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