Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO

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Real Time with bill Maher on HBO

Episode 59
Premiering September 9, 2005
Guests: Walter Maestri, Joe Scarborough, George Carlin, Cynthia Tucker, Jim Glassman, and Kurt Vonnegut

On Michael Brown

"Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, has been relieved of his command. He has been asked to return to Washington immediately. He is expected to arrive in about a week." – Bill Maher


On Our Political System

"Elections and politicians are in place in order to give Americans the illusion that they have freedom of choice." – George Carlin


On Race

"There's a friend of mine who lives in New Orleans, is black, and I wrote down exactly, word for word, what she said, because I think it bears repeating. She said, 'After 9/11, I was American. Now I'm back to being black.' And I think among the feathers in George Bush's resume is that I think he has lost a whole generation of black people who might have felt that way after 9/11, and now are like, 'You know what? I can't believe I started to buy into that bullshit.'" – Bill Maher

"I think that class and race are inseparable in America." – Cynthia Tucker

"Black people in this country, are still disproportionately poor. It is also impossible to talk about what happened in New Orleans without some white conservatives focusing on the looting, the crime, instead of focusing on the vast majority of poor, black people who were law-abiding, who were frightened themselves." – Cynthia Tucker


On the Administration

"The administration does their old 9/11 trick 'It's too early to start apportioning blame. Let's get the bodies out of the water.' This is what they said after 9/11. 'Let's not politicize this.' Of course, it's the most political administration ever." – Bill Maher

"I am not only from the richest country in the world, but the dumbest country in the world." – Kurt Vonnegut

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September 9, 2005

All right, it is time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules.

Okay, New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Don't drag kids into adult fights. Everybody knows you don't exploit children as pawns during a strike. You exploit children as pawns during a divorce! Let's limit kids to their one true airline responsibility: kicking the back of my seat.

New Rule: The term, "CPT," which stands for Colored People's Time, based on the belief that blacks are often late, must now be renamed "FGT," for "Federal Government Time." And when people like Mike Brown walk in anywhere, even five minutes late, everyone must roll their eyes and mumble, "FGT."

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

And finally, New Rule: America must recall the president. That's what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his jog against...Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let's have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?!

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky!

I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."

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Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO

Episode 60
Premiering September 16, 2005
Guests: Sen. Charles Schumer, PJ O'Rourke, Joy Behar, Willie Brown, Dan Senor

On John Roberts

"But my view is that somebody should - who wants this very high position - has an obligation to tell us of his views, and he didn't. And that's one of the things we're now grappling with, because we don't know enough about him on so many issues." – Sen. Charles Schumer


On Bush Taking Responsibility

"That's not saying, 'It was my fault.' That's like when a parent says, after your kid knocks a ball through somebody else's window, 'I take responsibility.' It's not saying, 'I f***ed up.'" – Bill Maher


On Poverty

"The policies of this nation that has allowed the issue of poverty - you understand, voting rights are one thing, but to just vote is not getting rid of the real problem in America. The Republican operation under George Bush has been consistently perpetuating-the existence of an incredible number of very poor people, all whom happen to be black in America." – Willie Brown

"All I want to say is that Republicans are always worried about welfare, welfare for poor people. They never talk about welfare for the rich, education, that George Bush got intoYale. How did he get into Yale? He's not that bright. I could have gotten into Yale." – Joy Behar


On Iraq

"Parts of it are really bad. The violence, the insurgency that keeps targeting Iraqis, sometimes targeting Americans, is certainly not what we expected, and it's bad and it's tragic and it's awful. That said, if you can get beyond the minute-to-minute events that furnish the daily headlines and take a look at the sort of big macro events, you actually have Iraqis risking their lives to build a democracy in the heart of a region that has never known it." – Dan Senor

"You know, if there's one thing I've hated since 9/11, it's that thing I hear all the time, that everything changed. When obviously nothing changed. The best example from the hurricane was the firefighters who came from I forget where, but they were sent down there to help, and they were given - before they could get to the disaster area - eight hours of sexual harassment sensitivity training." – Bill Maher


On the New Tend of Visitors in the Delivery Room

"I've been there. I've done that. But why don't they invite them to the conception of the child? That would be much, much more interesting. Don't you think?." – PJ O'Rourke

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Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO


New Rule: Michael Brown must un-resign so he can be publicly fired. We are not letting you off that easy, Brownie. You can't just slink off midway through your service. This is FEMA, not the Texas Air National Guard.

New Rule: The fortunes in fortune cookies have to be fortunes. "You surround yourself with good friends" is not a prediction. It's a compliment. Quit kissing my ass, cookie! If I'm going to sit through a plate of MSG-laden, twice-cooked kitty-cat, I want a real fortune like, "That meal you just ate is going to give you cancer."

New Rule: There aren't "101 Sex Tricks." In fact, ladies, there is only one. It's called the blowjob. Do it 101 times.

New Rule: A terrorist threat should not end with the words, "Seriously, dude." A terrorist video has surfaced wherein an Al Qaeda operative from Orange County--threatened the U.S. Hey, face it, man, you're not a jihadist. You're Napoleon Dynamite with this mother's dishtowel on his head. Turn off the camcorder, go back to your parents' basement and download porn, you loser.

New Rule: Stop telling me celebrities are too thin, when really the rest of America is too fat. I think I know where Nicole Richie's boobs went. [photo of obese man in swimsuit] This guy's got 'em.

And finally, New Rule: For Christ's sake, no more devil movies. "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" opened huge last week, and it surprised a lot of people, mostly because Owen Wilson wasn't in it. But exorcism, or as the Catholics call it, "elective surgery," is a popular theme nowadays because it reinforces the comforting notion that evil resides outside of us.

Well, I'm sorry, but it doesn't. And whenever I hear someone blame a bombing in Baghdad or a levee breaking in New Orleans on the forces of evil, it makes me so mad I just want to grab my pitchfork and stick it right through my cloven hoof!

Now, Americans have always loved devil movies: "The Exorcist," "The Omen," "Rosemary's Baby," "The Devil's Advocate." The list goes on forever because Americans love the devil. Why? Because he's simple and he provides a simple answer. He did it.

But evil is not a demon with a tail and horns. That's a Jew. And evil - evil isn't some spectral goblin with red eyes and the voice of Anthony Hopkins. That's Anthony Hopkins.

Is George Bush purely evil? Of course not. And that's what's so evil about him. He doesn't twirl a mustache and smirk and cackle. Well, he doesn't twirl a mustache. He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton. But he is not pure evil.

Because evil is a chain. Did any one person doom New Orleans? No, it's a chain. People vote for a corrupt leader; a corrupt leader puts unqualified cronies in high places, and when those cronies **** up, evil gets done. The devil didn't fly up from hell and knock a hole in that levee. The levee just didn't get built because the money for it went to rich people's tax cuts and pork projects and corporate welfare.

Evil isn't "Salem's Lot." It's Trent Lott. This week, an ailing American bald eagle was found to be dying from mercury poisoning. Republicans immediately tried to blame it on the eagle's lifestyle choices. But it's worth noting that also this week, the White House threatened to veto limits on mercury pollution. Now, pure evil would be if George Bush sat around the White House saying, "Let's poison eagles!" And even I don't believe George Bush would do that.

Cheney would do that. And even he is not pure evil. Dick Cheney doesn't hate poor children and caribou. They're just in the way.

Bottom line: some people think Satan is real and some people think global warming is real. If you think stopping gays from doing it is more important than the ice caps melting, the boogeyman is you...[/SIZE]