Humor ne Anglisht

[loznjare86]

Suzy Lee fell in love, she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."

So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still.

"You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."

But mama knew and said "Honey child, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"

***********
A little boy became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged
on and on.

Finally he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad,
if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

***************

A Sunday school teacher asked a little boy, "Bobby, do you
believe in the devil?"

"No," said the little boy. "He's just like Santa Claus. I
think it's my daddy."

[loznjare86]

How To Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry
(immediate results).

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and
see how long their spirit of charity lasts.

3. Answer every one of their questions with: "What do you
mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved
ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them
to get flustered and leave.

4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha &
Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may
have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them,
but this will definitely make them sweat.

5. Excuse yourself from your living room (or wherever)... and
don't come back.

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone
calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call,
and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police
for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus,
heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If
they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very
even tones, and giggle again.

8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

9. (Males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part
way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the
whole nine yards. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...)
throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a # 7.
If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they
would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten
minutes.

10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

---------------------------------------
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more
specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat,
reduced fat and fat, but great personality.


----------------------------

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to
the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular
evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his
arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely
until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After
that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the
most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a
pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed
her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough,
they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered
in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[loznjare86]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for
a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to
your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have
taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over
to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and
Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!"

[loznjare86]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human
Resources.

Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the coworker does, and
that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells
nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget"

[loznjare86]

A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the
abdomen. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave
the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to
two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was urinating and this bullet came out," she replied.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years
ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened .... you were
urinating and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

[loznjare86]

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth ... is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

>14) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather .... not screaming and
yelling like the
passengers in his car.

15) God must love stupid people, he made so many of them.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousnesshat annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

>21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
>
>22) I Must Be a Proctologist because I work with Butt Heads!
>
>23) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old)
>
>24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
>Up"
>
>25) "Procrastinate..... Now"
>
>26) "Rehab..... is for Quitters"
>
>27) "My Dog....Can Lick Anyone"
>
>28) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
>
>29) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
>
>30) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing
>since I was 15"
>
>31) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"
>
>32) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
>
>33) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
>
>34) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
>
>35) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
>
>36) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
>
>37) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
>
>38) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken."
>
>39) "He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less dead."
>
>40) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog.
>
>41) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
>
>42) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
>
>43) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
>
>44) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
>for a pig."
>
>45) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
>
>46) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
>
>47) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
>
>48) "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup
>team."
>
>49) "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room
>spinning-medicine."
>
>50) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
>was God and I didn't!"

[loznjare86]

THE RULES

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she
must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a
flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did
or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately
for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express
written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female
wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male
know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at
all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant,
not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he
can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void
and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily
harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must
refer to Rule #5.

[loznjare86]

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes work 100%?



If... A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that
HARD WORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close,
ATTITUDE will get you there,
but BULLSHIT will put you over the top!

And look how far
A S S K I S S I N G will take you!
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Okay. Me duket se me kaq mbarova per tani. Shpresoj qe t'ju pelqeje

[glaukus 001]

bukur, bukur




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