Ligje ... fjale ...

[glaukus 001]

THE LAWS

* The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

* The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

* The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

* The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

* The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

* The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

* Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

* Weiler's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

* Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

* Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

* Conway's Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

* Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

* Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

* Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.

* Heller's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

* Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.

* Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

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The most powerful word !
(sjelle nga Mylinda )
pak ... shitty !


Shit may be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brain.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, chicken shit, and horse shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shit.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!!..

[glaukus 001]

One liners


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel **** - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose



*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***


OTHERS

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. IT GOES ON.

Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.

There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested.

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? ... How would you know?

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a "No Fear" T-shirt. --Lev L. Spiro

There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. --Dykstra

O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

You'll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. --Elizabeth Taylor

Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. --Time Bandits

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!

Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

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Some OXYMORONS


Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation

Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization

Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
American history

Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head

Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow

Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live

Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock

Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks

Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works

[glaukus 001]

Motoja e "Procrastinator-it" (atij qe zvarrit, shtyn punet e afatet )

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

[glaukus 001]

More LAWS


O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.

Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.

Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.

Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.

Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

[glaukus 001]

Per Vjedhesit e Bankave !!!

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot.
Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:


1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out not to mention severe burns in sensitive places - as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

[glaukus 001]

A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[glaukus 001]

Signs that you have grown up


Your potted plants stay alive.

Having sex in a twin size bed is absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

[glaukus 001]

Ilace te reja!


With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.