Funny Poems

[*~Rexhina~*]

I'm Glad I'm a Man
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

And now it's time for a rebuttal.....

I'm glad I'm a woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and to squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

[*~Rexhina~*]

The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
never cruel or mean
he has a beautiful smile
and he keeps his face so clean

The perfect man loves children
and will raise them by your side
he will be a good father
and good husband to his bride

The perfect man loves cooking
cleaning and vaccuuming too
he'lldo anything to convey
his feelings of love to you

The perfect man is sweet
writing poetry from your name
he's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain

He has never made you cry
or hurt you in any way......
OH SCREW THIS STUPID POEM............
THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY!!!!!!

[*~Rexhina~*]

I Love Ya Darling

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say yur gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nana's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as I
Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And get me another beer!

Are You Talking To Me?



"Are you talking to me?" she said passing by
"Yes, you ... you ... next to the bald-headed guy,
"I think you're real gorgeous ... that flaming red hair
Is exceedingly beautiful and really quite rare.

"I love the way that it curls round your face,
And the way that it seems your ears to embrace,
And the way that it darkens the green of your eyes,
And the way on your cheek that a loose tendril lies."

She took a deep breath as she paused in her stride,
Her lips slowly parted, her eyes opened wide,
She smiled as she whipped the wig from her head,
"If you like it so much, here, you wear it instead."




Copyright; Pat Cannard

[Larsus]

A Guy's Job


A guy sticks his location,
In a girl's destinstion,
To increase the population,
For the next generation.
Do you get my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?


The Girl's Prayer



Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
And lead us not into Katies
And deliver us from Sussans
For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No. 5 and Eternity
Amex


Wet Dream

Hot and wet ... I rediscover,
The magic of my secret lover,
Work day's problems in the past,
Oh! How long can this pleasure last?
Nipples erect ... mind soaring high,
Hand lingering around my inner thigh,
Inhibitions erased by liquid heat,
Passion aroused ... lust almost replete.

The moment's lost ... there goes the phone,
Reality returns ... I'm all alone,
I grab a towel and run to answer,
Co-ordination of a drunken dancer,
Circumstances quickly change,
Priorities are re-arranged,
So now I eagerly await the hour,
When I can have my next Hot Shower.

[Larsus]

Young Men

Young Men are delicious,
Healthy, virile and strong,
With smooth skin, a firm fleshy arse,
And hair growing where it belongs.
Somewhere between adolescence and a mid-life crisis,
Young Men are out there looking for fun,
Throughout the passage of time the boy still exists,
In the Young Man, who's another woman's son.

Young Men are extremely sensitive,
And resent being referred to as boys,
They consider themselves quite mature,
Despite a continuing passion for toys,
As yet uncorrupted by the realities of life,
Hopefully Young Men will learn from their mistakes,
And not become negative or disillusioned,
To run without handicap in the Manhood Stakes.

Young Men don't make me feel maternal,
They have far too much Testosterone for that.
I sit poised to strike and observe them,
Like mice being stalked by a cat.
Oh yes, they'd make wonderful playmates,
Packages of tireless energy to be undone,
But guilt overwhelms me when I have thoughts of
With a woman of my own age's son.

nice website ai...i funny poem

[Larsus]

It Goes in Dry, It Comes Out Wet
It goes in dry, it comes out wet,
the longer it's in the stronger it gets
we can have it in bed, just you and me
its not what you think, it's a cup of tea!!!!

[*~Rexhina~*]

Young Men


nice website ai...i funny poem

lol paske par websitin tim favorit :P

thanks for posting them they are hilarious i am thinking of printing some poems :P

[Larsus]

Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday


Old Yeller
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans


Sickly
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious


The Bosser
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?


Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed


Wild Woman out of Control
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs


Huffy
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends


Woman from Mars
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud


Ms. Dreamgirl
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

[Larsus]

Pick-up Rebuttals

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down when a guy asked a girl to dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
Woman: (tries to ignore him)
Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?"
Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?"
Man: (nods his head smiling)
Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"

And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."

After hearing a pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

A friend once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line,
"Where have you been all my life?"
She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

A friend came up with a very quick response over vacation...
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by.
She turned around and said "What are you looking at?"
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
designdr

[Larsus]

For years and years they told me,
" Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings
and protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully
And always wore a bra.

After 40 years of careful care
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," she said,
as she got my breast in line.
" And tell me when it hurts," she said
" Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched
From way up by my chin.
My poor breast was being squashed
To Swedish Pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
within its viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit."

Take a deep breath," she said to me.
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breath and weary I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say,
as the room was swaying.
" Now let's get the other one".
" Lord have mercy," I was praying.

I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped by now.