... jokes ...

[glaukus 001]

A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing.
She says,
"Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any turkey?"

The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey.
The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.

"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."



====================




The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very
good at it, and uttered a loud "Damn, missed!" each time he missed.
The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it anymore.
"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you."
It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated.
One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "Damn, missed!!".
Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will
show you a sign."

It didn't help, and ... the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "DAMN, missed!!" A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.

A voice was heard in the clouds "Damn, missed!!!"

:b
+++++++++++++++++++++

[Blendi]

Per sqarim do shkruj dy rrjeshta. Kam bindjen se askujt nuk i mbetet qefi nese dikush shkruan tek tema e tij , aq me pak ty. Shof qe robt po na hapin tema me ka nji barcalete qe kanjehere nuk osht as barcalete tamon.
Nuk bo me hape teme "Mejremja" apo 'Qamilja" se i kujtohet njonit nji e forte. Eshte me kollaj THEM UNE qe kushdo te shkruaje njeri pas tjetrit e antaret e rinj dhe te vjeter e kane me kollaj per ti lexu.
Tani plako po ti bi disa te mijat qe i kom mbledhe me kujdes.E drejta e autorit ? Varja mor vllla, kush po pyt , mbledh anej kenej, read &enjoy.




A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"
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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices. "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a mustache!"
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Two Italian guys get on a bus, and an animated conversation
strikes up between them."Emma, she comes firsta. 'Den I come. 'Den de two asses cometogether. 'Den I come, an' de asses come together again. I come again andpee twice. 'Den I come again.""Do you mind?" The woman in front of the guys said, "We don't talk about oursex lives in public!""You coola down, lady." Says one of the Italians, "I'ma justa tellin' my
friend here 'ow to spella Mississippi!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bearand shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said
"That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to
comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank
finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting do you?"
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Irish Sinner!
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that I`ve been with a loose woman."
The Priest sights. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes Father, 'tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan`t be tellin' you Father. It would ruin her reputation."Well, Tommy, I`m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O`Malley?"
I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
"I`ll never tell."
"Was it Bridget O`Shanter?"
"I`m sorry, but I`ll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O`Dell?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
"Please Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sights in frustration. "You are a steadfast lad, Tommy O`Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you`ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What`d you get?"
"Five more good leads." says Tommy.
^^^^^


Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They got undressedand stepped into the showers before they realized there was no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it notbothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and headsback to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nunsheading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall andfreezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-likehe looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood.Startled, he drops a bar of soap."Oh look," says the first nun...."It's a soap dispenser."To test her theory the second nun also pulls his tool .... and sureenough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have ago. She pulls once, then twice, and three times, but nothing happens. Soshe tries once more and, to her delight she yells "hand lotion!!!"



Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to
commit suicide?

Let's see now:
No premarital sex.
No booze.
No bars.
No television.
No Internet.
No organized sports, stadiums or tailgate parties. Actually, no
tailgates.
No Hooters.
No meat from a pig.
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight. Ever try to fish at
an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe your butt only with
your left. Like life isn't complicated enough already.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no
doctors.
No music.
No radio.
You can't shave.
You can't shower.
Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
Oh, and then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
Who wouldn't go for it?



Going to Heaven?

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says, "Indeed I do, Father." "Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."
He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?" And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing." "Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest. The man looks at his half-full beer turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't,Father." "You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously. "Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now


Idiots stand up...

The teacher asked his 8th grade students, "Anyone who considers himself/herself an idiot please stand.", said the teacher being sarcastic. After a long period of silence one student decides to stand up. "Now why do you consider yourself an idiot", asked the teacher. "Well, actually I don't", said the student,"but I feel bad seeing you standing up there all alone
hajt shnet
blendi

[glaukus 001]

shume te forta ishin
Sa per barsaletat , kuptohet qe cdokush eshte i lire t'i paraqese si te doje por sugjerimi yt ishte me vend dhe e vura edhe tek kryetema Per frekuentuesit e ketij forumi.
Keshtu do kursehet hapsire por edhe do perqendrohen barsaletat e 1 teme ne 1 vend.

keep up the good work , i mean the good jokes

[Blendi]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^

Glaukus, e lexova lajmerimin si Kryeteme e ke hartuar shume paster.
Me ke dhene nje ide per ate variantin me tema te njejta per cdo story, I WILL TRY. Vazho kombinimet se kontributi im s`ka per te munguar.
bye.

[Blendi]

A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and
panting on the bed. "Honey", she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm
having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly
stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked
man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was
his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart
attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"

[Blendi]

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

[Blendi]

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

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[glaukus 001]

B.C. ???

There was this very delicate, proper and elegant woman who was planning a family camping vacation in Florida. She wrote to a campground for a reservation.
This woman abhorred what campgrounds refer to as "pit toilets" (known in West Virginia as outhouses) and wanted to know if the area had bathhouses with flush toilets. She didn't want to write "toilet."

Campground guides and brochures use abbreviations for camping facilities and the woman remembered something about "B.C." which, she recalled, meant "bathroom commode." So, in her letter, she wanted to know if the camping facility had a B.C.

The campground owner was unfamiliar with B.C. He showed the letter to several people. Most were baffled. One knowledgeable camper, however, said he knew what it was. She was referring to a Baptist church. So the campground owner sent the following letter:

Dear Madam,

A B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is opened on Sundays and Wednesdays.

It is a beautiful structure -- red brick and well-kept. My daughter met her husband there.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time.

It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but is surely not due to lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.

If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We are a friendly community.

[glaukus 001]

Agjenti

Three men walk into the CIA headquarters and ask to be hired. A man there replies, OK, but first we have to test your loyalty. He says to the first man: "Here's a gun to prove your loyalty. We have your wife in the other room. Go shoot her."
So he goes in and he comes out fifteen minutes later and says: "I tried, but I just can not do it."

The next guy goes in and the same thing happens.

Then the last guy goes in and sees his wife sitting there. The man who is testing him is waiting to here gunshots, and then he hears BANG... BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then tons of crashing and banging. The man with the gun comes out, and the man who is testing him says,

"Congratulations! You are now a member of the CIA," to which the man replies: "Yea, great, thanks, but some idiot put blanks in the gun! I had to kill her with the chair!"

[glaukus 001]

Kush eshte babai

A doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active. She says that she is not. An examination shows that she is pregnant.
Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not, I just lie there."

"Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks.

With a puzzled look she replies, "No. Who?"



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Jezu Krishti

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?"

The bum replies, "Well, I am."

The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"



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Shpjegimi mbi marketingun

You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You go up to her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, what about it?".
That's direct marketing.
You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, what about it?".
That's advertising.

You go to a party, you see a SEXY girl across the room. She comes over and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, what about it?"
Now that is the power of branding!