Internet & computers ...

[glaukus 001]

Are Computers male or female ?

A marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company. While researching consumer response to his product, he asked "Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'. What gender would you ***ign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer..."
A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because :

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.




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Ma il Coputer e maschio o femmina ?

Le 10 ragioni per cui si evidenzia il sesso femminile del computer:
1. Una volta acquistato ci spendi sopra milioni in "accessori".
2. Incominci a p***arci le serate, tralasciando i divertimenti e gli amici.
3. Pur sforzandoti, a volte, esegue "procedure" che proprio non riesci a comprendere.
4. Sei tu che ti devi adattare al suo funzionamento, non il contrario.
5. Si dice che non può sbagliare, è infallibile! Non è vero ma nessuno lo dice!
6. Si ricorda sempre di tutto quello che hai fatto fin nei minimi particolari.
7. Se sei imbranato, "non cavi un ragno da un buco".
8. Con gli amici, parli spsso di argomenti "attinenti".
9. Ha il potere di farti sentire uno stupido, sembra sempre che ne sappia una più di te.
10. Quando sbagli qualcosa rischi di perdere tutto! E spesso non puoi tornare indietro!

Le 10 ragioni per cui il sesso del computer non può essere femminile:
1. Ha un pulsante "spegni".
2. Ne puoi utilizzare più di uno contemporaneamente, in rete, per aumentare le "prestazioni".
3. Puoi non usarlo per mesi, ma quando ne hai bisogno è pronto a servirti.
4. Con una semplice p***word puoi evitare che altri lo utilizzino e dormire tranquillo.
5. Possiede parti "rigide" (hard disk).
6. Lo cambi, senza troppe spese, quando diventa obsoleto e non all'altezza delle tue pretese.
7. Pur avendo una (scheda) madre, non esiste una (scheda) suocera.
8. Tutte le fessure che ha sono sempre in orizzontale.
9. Puoi tranquillamente averne uno a casa e uno in ufficio senza dover mantere segreti.
10. Spesso sei tu che dici "...no, non ora... ho il mal di testa!"

[glaukus 001]

You know you're too serious about computers when...

 You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.

 When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find that it's on TV.

 If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.

 When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.

 When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home.com.

 If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.

 If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.

 If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.

 If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.

 If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.

 When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.

 If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.





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Signs Your Kid is Spending Way Too Much Time On His Computer

10. Named his hamsters "I," "B," & "M"
9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa
8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like David Duchovny
7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus
6. Refers to having sex as "logging on"
5. His name: Carl. His nickname: "Carpal Tunnel Carl"
4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel
3. He calls you "www dot daddy dot com"
2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates
1. Two words: "cyber acne" .



***********************************



Top Signs of Net Addiction

. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3 or higher."

. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

. You laugh at people with 28,800 modems.

. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem.
And you succeed.




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Top Ten Signs That You Are An Internet Geek

10
When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9
You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.

7
You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6
You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5
You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4
You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3
At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2
After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"
..And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1
Two Words: "Pizza's Here!".




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ADDICTED

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?



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PRINCIPALI SINTOMI DI DIPENDENZA DA INTERNET

1. Ti svegli alle 3 di notte per andare in bagno e quando torni a letto ti fermi a controllare la posta.

2. Ti fai fare un tatuaggio che dice: "Questo corpo si apprezza meglio con Internet Explorer 4.0 o superiore".

3. Chiami i tuoi figli Eudora, Mozilla e Outlook.

4. Spegni il modem e provi quell'orribile sensazione di vuoto, come se avessi appena staccato la spina a una persona che ami.

5. Trascorri metà del viaggio in aereo con il portatile sulle ginocchia... e tuo figlio nel comparto bagagli.

6. Decidi di rimanere all'università ancora per un anno o due, solo per avere una banda di 70 kbps.

7. Ridi delle persone con modem a 33.600 baud.

8. Cominci a usare "faccine" nella tua posta ordinaria.

9. Ti si fotte il disco fisso. Non ti sei connesso per due ore. Cominci ad agitarti... prendi il telefono e fai il numero del tuo provider. Ti metti a fare fischi per comunicare con il modem.
E ci riesci.

10. Stai leggendo queste righe e farai il forward di questo messaggio ai tuoi amici.



Ti accorgi di essere schiavo di Internet, quando:

) Decidi di frequentare l'università per due o tre anni in più, solo per avere accesso gratuitamente a Internet.

) Quando qualcuno ti dice di avere un modem da 9600, gli ridi in faccia.

) Incominci ad usare le faccine anche nella posta normale.

) Ti si è rotto l'hard disk. Non ti sei connesso per più di due ore. Incominci ad avere le convulsioni. Prendi il telefono, componi il numero del tuo provider e cerchi di dialogare con il modem a fischi... e ci riesci!!!

) Ti ritrovi a digitare .com dopo ogni punto.com

) Quando vai in bagno dici che vai a fare un download.

) Quando ti presenti a qualcuno non dai il tuo nome ma il tuo User ID

) Tutti i tuoi amici hanno un @ nei loro nomi.

) Il tuo gatto ha un sua "HomePage".

) Non chiami più tua madre... lei non ha un modem.

) Controlli la tua posta, ma un messaggio dice che non ci sono nuovi messaggi... così la controlli di nuovo.

) La tua bolletta telefonica non arriva più in busta ma in un pacco.

) Non sai più di che sesso sono i tuoi migliori amici, perché loro usano un user ID neutro e tu non vuoi chiederglielo.

) Quando devi prendere un taxi per tornare a casa dai come indirizzo: http://via.garibaldi.45/

) Quando devi sorridere inclini la testa di 90 gradi.



@@@

[glaukus 001]

Some ***icons for your computer!
***icons dirty

We all know those cute little computer symbols called
"emoticons," where means a smile and is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-(
respectively.
Well, how about some "***icons"?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ***

(__!__) a fat ***

(!) a tight ***

(_^^_) a bubble ***

(_*_) a sore ***

{_!_} a swishy ***

(_o_) an *** that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ***

(_X_) leave my *** alone

(_zzz_) a tired ***

(_o^^o_) a wise ***

(_E=mc2_) a smart ***

(_$_) Money coming out of his *** (_?_) Dumb ***




^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^




How to Describe Your Breasts in a Chat Room

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^^)( ^^) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging t***els breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

< o>< o> electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts



^^^

[glaukus 001]

You Might be Addicted to AOL if...


- Tech Support calls "You" for help.

- Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.

- You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

- You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

- You keep begging your friends to get an account "so we can hang out."

- Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.

- You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.

- you've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.

- you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.

- You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (Spanish chat room) "just to work on my Spanish."

- you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone."

- you go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail message letting everyone know you're going to be away.

- you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it (oops thats me - twice!).

- you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences.

- you have met over 100 AOLers.

- you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.

- when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

- you find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

- you turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you are online again.

- you know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.

- you find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook

- you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own

- you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night online).

- you change s/n's so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are (identity crisis here).

- you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one.

- you open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool s/n's.

- your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy, please come cook dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"

- you marry your cyberboyfriend/cybergirlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.

- you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

- you won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

- your dog leaves you.

- you have to ask what year it is.

- you are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat.

- you write a letter like this..."dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well i gotta go bbl!"

- you name your pets after people with whom you talk online.

- you smile sideways. :-)

- you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists (:ringe:.

- you have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are.

- you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy.

- you bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

- your significant other kisses your neck while you are chating and you think "uh oh, cybersex pervo."

- you have withdrawal symptoms if you are away from the puter for more than a few hours.

- you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one... hehehe).

- you take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

- your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

- you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.

- you have to inject No-Doz into your butt to keep it awake.

- you have your computer set up so that it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.

- you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.

- you don't know where the time has gone.

- you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.

- your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had.

- you get up at 2 am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead.

- you spell things out loud instead of actually saying the word.

- you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

- when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***

- you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme

- your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL."

- you type faster than you think.

- you got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL, too, and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

- you want to be burried with your computer when it dies...or vice versa

- you actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

- you can actually read and follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your tv screen at the end of a movie.

- people say, if it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have long been cl***ified as a vegetable.

- you dream in text.

- being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.

- there is absolutely no interesting chat any room and you are really bored....yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something.

- you double click your tv remote.

- you can now type at more than 70 wpm.

- you think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

- you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"

- you check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail mail

- you go into withdrawls during dinner

- you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room

- you stop speaking in full sentences

- you have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers

- you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life

- your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience

- you set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who's on"

- you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their s/n.

BTW,
IMHO this also applies to CompuServe, Prodigy, GNN, Delphi, Microsoft Net, ATT's Worldnet and, most of all, the World Wide Web.

[glaukus 001]

Computer jokes


Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


******

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to "The Internet."


*********

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."




************


Serenity prayer for computer users

God, grant me the serenity To accept a post I cannot change, Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on when I'm running late for work, And the wisdom to know the difference between "come to bed now" meaning "lets have some fun" and "come to bed NOW" meaning that computer has got to go!!



*******************


An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
An artist tells of the p***ion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"



******************



The Computer Nerd's Dream

A computer nerd was walking on campus one
day when his friend, another computer nerd,
rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first nerd was stunned and asked,
"Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was
walking along minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want!"

The second nerd nodded approvingly.
"Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."



#####################



The oldest profession

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering.
Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"


#########################




A doctor (?)
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A URLologist.


A Funny Sound
My computer made a funny sound the other day.
Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.


Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering ?
A. The spider -- It has its own website.



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Le grandi catastrofi del secolo: Hiroshima '45, Chernobyl '86, Windows 95+98

%%%

[glaukus 001]

Maxims for the Computer Age

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.



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What Happens a Redneck Runs Your Computer Department

1. The mouse is referred to as a, "critter"
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The p***word is "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deer Pocket Protectors


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[glaukus 001]

a little dirty


COMPUTER LOVE

Thine eyes shine like CDs in the morning sun,
I long to have thy software in my hands.
And when you send a GIF for me to run,
I feel a sudden twitch within my glands.
How sweet our cybersex in private rooms,
You type of lust and send it over the Net.
How sad it seems when my love's signoff looms,
I leave my mousepad miserable and wet.
And yet I wonder on my lover's face
I only know thee through thine online chat,
And although I do not care about thy race,
Perhaps thou has the features of a rat.
But in the end your beauty matters not,
for it's your email that gets me so hot.




/////////////////////////////////



THE ONLINE ADDICTION POEM

You just awake, your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus, still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee, can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker and put the mug to your lip
The feeling is warm, just what you need
But you know you need more and its something to read
The paper you say? No, dont think so. Not it...
It's much more exciting, you cant wait to "click"...
You boot up your 'puter, you click that icon...
Can't keep from grinning, you're really turned on!
When the voice says "Welcome", your heart skips a beat!!
You know your addicted ... all the friends that you'll meet.
And then you see it, you wait with a stare....
The mail box lights up!! "You've got mail" waiting there!!
OH, what a feeling!! You look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail and you knew you were right!!
So you go thru the mail knowing this is the "Best"..
Reading this reading that ... as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the "delete" key, others get your first click
You know you must hurry, you gotta be quick!
It is then that you hear it, you can't wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter, who's name will it be?
And then there it is, covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound ... Oh, you know what that means!!!

"Quick mail check" you promised, you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM and your pressing for time!
You know that you want to and respond you will
So you stop what your doing and go for the thrill!

You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and Hugs...
You type and send words, refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check turns to hours online!



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SEX IN CYBERLAND

I turn on my computer
and I'm looking for some action.
I see my online lover
and beg for satisfaction.
We go to a private room
and you know what happens next.
We think and type and dream about
many different kinds of sex.
Just about 9 days p***
and I find I'm feeling ill.
Maalox, Pepto--NOTHING
will make my stomach chill.
I mention it to my online beau
we try to figure it out.
A few more days have p***ed...
now my stomach's sticking out!
So, now my head is spinning
I don't know what to do.
I'm having sex with no one--
EXCEPT...my online beau.
No, wait just a minute.
Please tell me this can't be!
He cannot get me pregnant
by having cyber sex with me!
I call the local clinic
and explain the situation.
All the nurses laugh at me,
I'm crying in frustration.
My stomach's getting bigger
with every p***ing day.
Who would have ever thought
you could get pregnant this way?
A pregnancy test was taken,
it came back with a yes.
I IMed my online lover
and put him to the test.
I told him of my feelings
and all my gaining weight.
I told him we were parents
and gave him my due date.
When all the shock was over,
he gave me an online *kiss*.
He told me that he loved me
and he'd help me get through this.
My stomach starts to ache
I go run to my mom.
I feel the need and start to push...
out pops a CD ROM!!
I put it in the computer
and while I wait, I pace.
When soon on my computer,
comes a beautiful baby's face!
You know this story's fiction
but before you take a risk,
put on a cyber condom...
before you get some cyber dick.



//////////////////////////////////////////////




I DON'T WANNA
I don't wanna do the dishes
I don't wanna do the wash
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!
I don't wanna rattle pots
I don't wanna rattle pans
I see the mail light flashin'
I wanna chat with friends!
Oh the tables need some dustin'
and the floor could sure be mopped
But I know if I get started
there'll be no place to stop.
The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves.
They could sprinkle fairy dust
and twitch their little nose
The windows would be sparkling
I would have no dirty clothes.
Oh I know that I'm just dreamin'
My head is in the sky
I must cook that meat that's greying
and bake that apple pie.
The Hubby needs a bath
Doggy needs attention
Oh.. the other way around I mean
my brain is in suspension.
I am runnin' round in circles
I am gettin' nothin' done,
I keep thinking of my web
I am missing all the fun!
Well I know I'm not addicted
though I hear that all the time
But I guess this stuff can wait on me
Cause Today I'll Be On Line!!!



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THE USER'S PRAYER

Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me as I'm interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.

May my website be protected
Let not my p***word be rejected
Keep my line connection clear......
and let tech support be always near!
Please keep all my programs alive,
and be sure to back up my hard drive!
And protect my puter from catching
......a virus and end up crashing!

Amen



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CHAT ROOM LIES

* "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend."

* "You're different. I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."

* "I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile but tell me more about yourself."

* "I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited."

* "Yes, of course I'm female."

* "No, this is my only screen name. You mean you can have more then one?"

* "I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body!"

* Male version is... "I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out."

* "I'm not like most of the guys/gals here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other." (at the hotel coffee shop)

* "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts." (Which is true, it means: 'I'm horny and could care less, just type.')

* "Tonight my love... our souls have touched."



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[glaukus 001]

The Origin of the Internet


An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And DotCom was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.And she said unto Abraham,her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drum and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that eflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.. .and that is how it all began.



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*&^%$#@!