Aviation jokes.

[Blendi]

Duke lexuar sugjerimin e Glaukusit tek kryetema , thashe ti bi si grup barcaleta e ngjashme ne kete teme. Lexojini e qeshni, por ju lutem mos me thoni qe ju kam shkaktuar te qeshura. Pompozitetin menjane do me vinte mire te me lavderonit me fjalet perkatese ne shqip si :
Te forta plako, ke nje birre prej meje, hallall, na ke bo me qeshe etjjjjj etjeeraaaa si puna ktyjneve.
See u guys.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

AVIATION JOKES.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart
from the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle.
After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came "Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...I bet you're not now!"
(Contributed by Jon Wolfe)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off
ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach.
BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.
BI-PLANE: What you'll say to your bird if flying costs keep going up
CARBURETOR ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident caused by fuel exhaustion.
"CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.
CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centres.
CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.
CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop.
DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.
DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing.
ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit.
GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure.
GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights.
HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.
RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air.
WALKAROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear.
LANDING FLAP: A 4000' roll out on a 3000' runway.
(By: Mark Novisoff and Nevet Basker)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Eager Journalist
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can."
Incredulous, the pilot says, "You want me to fly over that fire?"
"Sure," the reporter says, "I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!"
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, "You're not the flight instructor?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Feeling nervous?
On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action:
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy.
It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humour.."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers..
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



Heard on the radio...
----------------------------------

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

Leaving Palo Alto one Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
XX: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
XX: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport) I heard an obvious student in a Cessna 152:
Ah Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final, final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!

"This is McCarren International departure information Delta. 2100 zulu, [weather, approach information, notams, etc., etc.] Arriving aircraft contact approach at 118... [silence] You lousy machine, why do you always do this to me?"

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

Student Naval Aviator (SNA) flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys XMIT instead of ICS to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware:
SNA: (broadcasts to world) "Sir, I'm all fuked up."
Whiting TWR: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."
(short pause)
IP: "My student said he was fucked up; he didn't say he was stupid."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Budget air travel..
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Thank u Blendi .. ?!!!!
Oh come oooon Guys ,think nothing of it. Anytime.

[Blendi]

Airplane Passengers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Heard from a friend who heard it in Arkansas.

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off ! What the hell kind of degenarate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze,
I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."