Ligje ... fjale ...

[glaukus 001]

Differences Between You and Your Boss


When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.


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[glaukus 001]

Five Symptons of Intoxication


What are the five symptoms of alcohol intoxication?
1) Loss of memory
2) .... I ..... I can't remember the rest

[glaukus 001]

Pijet ... dhe cfare tregojne ato per ty !
(pak dirty )


Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:

*Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!




*Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.


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[glaukus 001]

Job Reference Glossary


OUTGOING PERSONALITY
...Always going out of the office

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS
...Able to bullshit

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
...Spends lots of time on phone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE
...Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
...Made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY
...Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY
...Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY
...Spouse drinks, too

INDEPENDENT WORKER
...Nobody knows what he/she does

QUICK THINKING
...Offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER
...Won't make a decision

AGGRESSIVE
...Obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS
...Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL
...Speaks English

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL
...A nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES
...Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT
...Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR
...Knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED
...Back Stabber

LOYAL
...Can't get a job anywhere else


...

[glaukus 001]

Friendship Cards

(pak offensive !!! )


Aren't you sick of those stupid mushy "friendship" cards down at the card store? Here's what a real friend would send to another:


Dear Friend,

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Signed,
Your Friend

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Secrets for a Happy Life in Men/Women ?
hmmmmm


1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans
---
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money
---
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex
---
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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What My Mother Taught Me ...
(Cfare me mesoi nena ...)

My mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your
spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think
that I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat
your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a
barn?"



^^^

[glaukus 001]

Alcohol Warning Labels


If government is going to put health warning labels on beer,
wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness
about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with
breath that could knock a buzzard off a truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a jerk.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-girlfriends are really dying for you to telephone them at
4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same
boring story over and over again until your friends want to
smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things
like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss
what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office
Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name
you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really
big biker guy named "Big Al."

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps
of time may seem to literally disappear.


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