Twelve Steps Into Loneliness

[ShadowOftheBest]

Ghost Within My Mind


I would have told you I love you
if we hadn’t been saying goodbye
With the end always a breath away
it never seemed real to me


like vapors disappearing before my eyes
and even though you’re gone today
there’s a ghost lurking within my mind
I wanted you to know me


to make sense of a heart gone wrong
I wanted you to need me like I needed you
and to wash away the sins of thought and deed


You were too perfect to grasp
and too wonderful to touch
but now that you’re gone
all I have are memories fading
and a ghost walking withing my mind


It’s only now that you haunt me
on quiet, lonely nights
when the wind carries your name into my ears
leaving me adrift in a sea of regret and remorse


I can’t face who I am
much less what I’ve become
Just a wounded soul living in an broken heart
walking these empty halls
hoping to catch a glimpse
of the ghost stalking within my mind



Per ty, fantazma ne mendjen time

[ShadowOftheBest]

Turning Corners


I can’t escape you
no matter how many times I turn around
I see you there
looking back at me
your beautiful face
too tempting to resist
your smile
too wonderful to deny


Not a day goes by
that you don’t cross my mind
Try as I might to shut you out
I’m powerless against the stray thoughts
that wonder in when my mind is quiet
or my heart is in need of a smile


I need to forget you
I need to find a different path
but you made me so happy
and loved me so openly
that I can never forget what we shared


Even as the years push us apart
and time fades those joyful memories
I feel drawn to you
lost in you
and hopelessly entranced by you
I hope you find your happiness
even in the arms of another


No matter if the vision destroys me slowly
I know you deserve something more
than an absentee lover
waiting to take you home


Just know that around every corner I turn
I will see you looking back
Your face both beautiful and haunting
a welcome image
of a broken heart


I cherish our memories
and wish things could be different
but no matter how much I love you
I can never change what is
what was
or what has to be


So find your peace
and enjoy your life without me
But promise you’ll think of me on those still nights
when I’m turning corners in my mind
and staring deep into your loving eyes
but missing your gentle touch
or heartfelt words


Give me thoughts of warmth
to let this shivering soul have some peace
don’t let me slip into cold oblivion
and let me remember when you were mine
when life was easier
and nothing more need be said

[ShadowOftheBest]

Dark Mirror

I’ve looked into a mirror
and scared myself to death
my eyes are so cold and evil
it’s hard to draw a breath


I know that my pain is deep
so deep down inside
that there is not a single soul
no one for me to hide


My friends all say they care
and that they understand
but when I’m going through the valleys
I walk alone through this land


The days are darker than death
and take all of their time
and spend it all crushing me
what is this evil crime?


But the truth will be known
albeit when I’m gone
because my days are numbered
just like the words of a song


But until that day arrives
the mirror will be a sight
my eyes so cold, hollow
and black as the darkest night


So when we meet one day
don’t sympathize over me
inside I’ve already died
so please just leave me be…

Leave me be….

[ShadowOftheBest]

Seven Years.

Seven years
I’ve spent trying to dodge the lies
living life from joy
to meaningless joy
filling the void with shameful highs
and pretending it’s the dream I kept inside

I’ve given into temptation
until there’s nothing left to surrender
and now I only see tearful nights awaiting me
as I stare into my future’s horizon

Because it’s just another need to me
like the food I eat
it’s hunger cured with shame
and a pain that stains my pillow
when I try to rest on those empty nights
wasted where I don’t belong
getting things I’ll never need

I never beat my demons
just changed them ones with smiling faces
while carrying promises never meant to be held
I pretended everything was fine
when I was more broken than ever
just a shell of who I could have been
and a shadow of what I was before

I want to turn and face the truth
but how can I fight who I am
How can I conquer what I need
when I feel it beating within my veins

So as I lay here
temporarily pacified
with tears of shame streaked across my face
and broken promises ringing in my head

I cower in the dark again
too weak to stand up to myself
powerless to challenge who I am
even as the world plays my weaknesses
like a bow on a violin

I know the struggle will never end
only abated by momentary joys
Even when gazing into the eyes of love
I’m just a pathetic soul
born again just to be sacrificed
like so many times before
in these seven years

I’ve lived through the blur of addict’s eyes
where highs are lows
and everything in between is a bed of lies
and though I see the truth now
and gaze upon my sins with open mind
the world remains unchanged

For it’s seven years until tomorrow
tomorrow when I’ll be broken again
just another empty day
spent bowing before my vices
while trying to call it life
between dodging the lies
and living the meaningless joys

I’ve come to know so well

[ShadowOftheBest]

Beautiful

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you always look the other way

Finding imperfections
with every living breath
feeding yourself deceit
every night as you lie in bed

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you see only flaws in the diamond
and not the sparkle that it holds

You judge yourself with consequence
tearing down what nature built
and turning it into darkness cold

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you don’t look into the mirror
save with tear-streaked eyes

How can you see yourself as I do
when you’re peering through a looking glass
warped by doubt and loathing
brewed within your mind

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when your beauty is just too much
and leaves me lost for words
choking on every thought
while trying to explain something so clear
that it is written all over your face

How can I show you
that you’re beautiful
when the world is not enough
and a million voices
fail to change your song
unable to silence
the doubt that beats away

No I can’t show you
that you’re beautiful
No matter how hard I try

But I’ll whisper it to you every night
as you drift off to sleep
and hope that one morning
you’ll wake up with eyes wide open
and see yourself as I do

A perfect diamond
A stunning reflection
and a ray of sun
piercing my own darkness
taking the clouds away

[Force-Intruder]

Beautiful & meaningful... Thank you buddy!

[ShadowOftheBest]

Moments Of Life

When does life happen? When do we go from merely surviving to living? At what point or points do we go from being just cogs inside a machine or people just waiting for something better and become truly alive?

The problem is that we don’t know the answer to that question. At least not in the days we’re living. It’s only when we’re able to look back on the memories we have that we can pick out the moments that rose above the others and see, for ourselves, when we were truly living.

We can only see those moments when they’re gone, we can only respect what we had, what we felt and what we achieved when the days they were a part of have sunk deep below the horizon. Like patterns in a wheat field, they only become clear when viewed from a distance, the kind of distance only years of wisdom can bring.

Yet we carry on, living our lives the best we can, seeking temporary joys to make the days go by easier and never knowing which moments, if any, will play a role in defining who we are and why we are alive. We spend our days groping endlessly for meaning only to find it when looking back through the home movies storied within our own heads.

In that regard we, as humans, have been cursed. We’re the only species that realizes our lives were meant to be something more than just a matter of survival. We were given the gift, either through evolution or some divine plan, to see that life is a precious gift and one that should not be wasted.

However, we were not given the ability to see for ourselves what constitutes living and what not wasting our lives really means Even the epiphanies and revelations that seem to change the world can seem hollow and meaningless when viewed through the lens of history. Like a painter only able to see an inch of canvas at a time, we try to fill in a painting, completely unsure of its meaning or what purpose today’s work provides.

Instead, we can only hope that, either through cosmic coincidence, luck or superhuman planning, that our lives carry forth a meaning and make us beings who lived, not just survived.

But in there, lies the rub, only in death that we can define our lives. Even then though, I’d wager we’ll find it’s not the big strokes that we remember the best, but the fine moments that made them up. Those temporary joys that once left us feeling empty, an extra long embrace, a trivial accomplishment earned after too much work or a simple idea to solve a minor problem, those will be what we remember best and will be most remembered for.

After all, the big picture is far too large to absorb. Rather than remember someone by what he dedicated his life to, we’d much prefer to remember and be remembered for the thousands of little things we did along the way.

So, no matter how noble working toward a larger goal is, we can never forget the small moments shared along the way. They represent us in a way we can’t possibly appreciate in the here and now and represent the few times that we moved beyond just surviving and found that higher purpose.

Because, no matter what we say, the higher purpose is usually the smallest one and moments that make up our lives are the ones closest to our heart.

[ShadowOftheBest]

Glass Of Tears

So there I was
just sitting at the bar
with my head hanging low
remembering the good times we had.

I would have crawled into a bottle of whisky
but decided instead to fill my glass with tears.
I came there to sit with the drunks
perhaps to meet someone more miserable than myself.

Though I heard sob stories
and tragedies of all kinds
they only made me miss you all the more
What is a guy supposed to do
when the woman he loves breaks his heart?

How’s he supposed to react when his trust
his love
his life
has been broken?

He listens to tales of ancient heartbreak
while drinking deep from a glass of tears
He puts a quarter in the jukebox
and plays the saddest song he can find

Because as a wise man once said,
“The only solace for a broken heart
is bitter company
and the only solace for bitter company
is a pint of bitter beer.”

And though I dare not tip a glass for you
nor buy a round in your name
I’ll always see your face smiling back
at the bottom of my glass of tears

[ShadowOftheBest]

Die Alone


I’ve known pain
Digging, scratching, scraping pain
splitting my soul in two
like a knife thrust into my chest
a pain washed in tears gone dry
and sprinkled in pieces of shattered dreams
Yes, I’ve known that pain


I’ve known loss
Empty, gaping, expansive loss
turning beautiful memories
into a painful black hole
standing by in awe as the wrecking ball of life
tears down what the heart has built
Yes, I’ve known that loss too


I’ve known hate
Writhing, seething, burning hate
the sight of nails digging into pillows
wishing it was human flesh
the growing lust for blood and suffering flowers
as thoughts of torture fill your mind
Yes, I’ve known that hate as well


I’ve known love
glorious, total, unconditional love
the clearing of the skies
and the coming of a new age
the thing that makes the pain and loss worthwhile
and takes the hate away
Yes, I’ve known love

That's why is so hard
To die alone

[ShadowOftheBest]

Longing(Miss You)


All I wanted was to hear you say
that you loved me and wouldn’t sway
but your words came from far away
to remind me I’ll be alone today

All I wanted was to see you
All I wanted was to be with you
All I needed was to reach you

I had all I needed to complete you
But holding your heart I’ll be strong
humming the bars of the same old song
it feels so good it can’t be wrong

But every day now seems so long
I want to hold you so I can say
I can feel your touch every day
It’s a strange caress from ghostly hands
scratching my skin like grains of sand

I don’t know what I would do if you were here
except whisper to you my dear
that for you I would gladly die
and carry your words to where I lie

But I’m left longing for the kiss
from the girl who’s conversation I miss

If I could I’d take your hand
and walk you through the shadow land
and when we came through the other side

I’d make a spot for you to hide
and there on the edge of darkness we’d complete
the circle that was meant to be