Barsaleta ne Anglisht

[*Ema*]

American History 101

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death' ?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki's

"Patrick Henry 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?"

Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki yells, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids says, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

[*Ema*]

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

! Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[*Ema*]

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
Simon says:
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her
scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[*Ema*]

On a golf tour in Ireland, tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant unaware Tiger is a famous golfer greets him in a typical Irish fashion.
Tiger leans forward to grab the nozzle and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket.
"What ase des den, son?", asked the attendant.
"They're called tees." replied Tiger.
"Well what on earth are dey fer?" Asked the attendant.
"They are for resting my balls on while driving." Tiger informed him.
"Feckin Jaysus!" Replied the Irishman, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of everything!"

[*Ema*]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba, how about
Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door,
and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Tom Cruise
was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was
just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's
have
a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses doubts to Bubba,
who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss
replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So they fly off to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among
all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's
side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looked up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came
out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that
on
the balcony with Bubba?' "

[Arbresha]

lol...very funny..

Who here knows a word that has seven (7) letters
That is grater than God.
More evil than the devil.
Poor people have it..and
Rich people need it.....

Me respekt,
Arbresha.....

[*Ema*]

hahaha, old one

pergjigja eshte "nothing"

nothing is greater than God, nothing is more evil than the devil, the poor have nothing, the rich want nothing, and if you eat nothing you just die!

[*Ema*]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one
night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil
told the lawyer, 'I have a proposition for you.
You can win every case you try, for the rest of
your life. Your clients will adore you, your
colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will
make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in
exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your
children's souls, the souls of your parents,
grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls
of all your friends and law partners.'

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then
asked, 'So, what's the catch?'

[*Ema*]

Norv Turner had put together the perfect
Redskins team for 97'. The only thing he
was missing was a good quarterback. He
had scouted all the colleges, and even
the high schools and he couldn't find a
ringer quarterback that would ensure a
Superbowl win. Then one night, while
watching CNN, he saw a war zone in
Bosnia. In the background, out of the
corner of his eye, he spotted a young
Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible
arm.

He threw a hand grenade straight into a
15th story window 200 yards away
Ka-boom!!!

He threw another hand grenade into a
group of about 10 soldiers a good 110
yards away Ka-Blooey!!!

A car passes going around 90 mph.
Bulls-Eye! Right into it.

I've got to get this guy, Norv says to
himself, he has a perfect arm! So, he
brings him back to the states and
teaches him the great game of football.
The Redskins went on to win the
Superbowl that year and the young
Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of
Superbowl XXXII.

When Norv Turner asked him what he
wanted, all the young man wanted to do
was call his mother.

"Mom", the young man says into the
receiver, "I just won the Superbowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old
woman says. "You deserted us. You are
not my son". "I don't think you
understand, mother," the young man
pleads, "I just won the greatest
sporting event in the world. I'm in the
middle of thousands of adoring fans".

"No, let me tell you", the mother
implores. "At this very moment there
are gunshots all around us. The
neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch
of their lives last week and this week
your sister was killed in broad
daylight.." The old lady pauses, in
tears, ".. I'll never forgive you for
moving us to Washington".


ps: I live in Washington!

[Arbresha]

Postuar më parë nga Paper_MooN
hahaha, old one

pergjigja eshte "nothing"

nothing is greater than God, nothing is more evil than the devil, the poor have nothing, the rich want nothing, and if you eat nothing you just die!

no kidding......lol.
Yeah i guess i haven't been keeping up with the new jokes huh...anyways take care....

Me respekt
Arbresha