The flames of flesh

[ChuChu]

To All The Connections I Missed
Subtitled: Loves of My Life, Chronologically.

Number 1) Even though you dumped me on Valentine's Day in 5th grade, I wanted to remain your friend and talk to you on the phone. Even though you tried to give me my first open-mouthed kiss, and it was gross because I could only think of you, five years earlier shoving things up your nose, I forgive you. Even though you honestly passed me up for my psycho best friend in junior high, I remained loyally yours waiting to be your dance partner for some Firehouse song at every occasion. You gave me butterflies and heartache of a pre-teen variety. Even though you went off, got happily married and had two babies, all before we were even near 25 years of age, sometimes I still think about kissing you.

Number 2) You ate my spit from the grass the first time we met. I got my first grounding for being late, while with you. You said we were like rock stars, and wrote letters that made me loose my legs when reading them. For the first time ever, I said I loved you. I remember the time of day, and it still haunts me. You tried to kiss me, thusly startled, I lost my mind from that point forward. You went off and married some really pretty, very nice waitress with a plain name. I don't know what you're doing now, but some nights you are in my dreams: A Scientist, A Preacher, A Student, A Punk, A Marching Band Member...did you know I still have your shoes, ten years later. You are a tumultuous love. Sometimes, I consider stalking you to give them back. You could probably never fill them now, but I still think about kissing you.

Number 3) You climbed a church wall in tennis shoes, with no rope, to impress me, and also gave me impressive hickies even though you had some kind of lisp. Our first kiss, so unplanned, yet perfectly orchestrated, lead way to many more. We made out under blacklights, in a hot tub, in a thunderstorm, in my mom's house, in the woods, and under a semi-trailer at the county fair. You opened my eyes to beauty in new things, made me appreciate art more, and convinced me I was a poet- or occasionally poetic, at best. All this in a month. Then you came back, three months later, after I had forgotten about the possibility of you. But this was only for a weekend. Years of innocent chatroom flirting and phone conversations ensued, from one coast to the heartland. You are an impermeable love I was never looking for. I've seen you twice since then. Now, nine years later, I still think about kissing you.

Number 4) Number Four, you were more like a conglomeration of two. One a sultry, hospitable stranger with an accent, long hair and an adorable missing tooth just trying to help me get along while on holiday. My sneeking suspicion is, you were actually married, and that's why I was stood up on what was to be Our Last Date. (ps. We would have kissed a lot, if you'd shown up.) The other an insanely sexy, lanky rockstar powerhouse. Breath of Jack Daniels, leather jacket, big boots, impressive skills of the intimate sort. Both of you were temporary fixes for the lonely times I experienced. Each of you were perfect fits for the given scenarios, both leaving me with mental impressions large enough to on occasion, cause aches... Often times, I think about kissing each of you.

Number 5) When I first saw you at a band contest in 9th grade, I thought, "He should be my boyfriend." I gave a note to a friend to give to you, "You are the most impressive person I've seen all day." After that, I didn't see you for years, because you had a girlfriend and lived in the city. One day, you came back, and as my best friend dated your best friend, my silent, stealthy stalking began. I got the inside scoop on you, alas! You had broken up with your girlfriend...I began Phase Two: Less Stealthy Stalking -popping in at places you were skateboarding, going to your work, driving by, stopping in. I heard you liked my boots and green pants and the fact I knew what godheadSilo meant. Eventually, having wracked together the nerve, asked you on a date. Having never been on a Real Date, I figured it was only mediocre and chalked the whole thing up to "Experience." Lo and behold, eight years later, you live in a house we co-own and bless me weekly with the domestic pleasures of Laundry and Yard Work. I honestly, couldn't think better of it. I will clean the toilet, if you will do the dishes...You were a love at first sight, always gentle and caring and never let our life give way to tumult, awkwardness, or insanity of the pre-teen variety. I still think about kissing you.

And so, Dear Loves of My Life, thank you for everything. Thank you for the lasting imprints. Thank you for the love letters, special t-shirts, vials of blood, and other far less creepy gifts. Thank you for lessons taught and learned, for finding room for me in your hearts, and for the interesting kissing techniques. Thanks for everything.

[Larsus]

I spoke to you for less than three minutes..I don't need more to know you are there, you always be there, my saint, the one that I adore silently, lastingly, lovely..

If i were a narcissist, you would be my image.the perfect one.the one I want to stare at without getting tired, no food, no drink, no breathe....If I had a wish, you'd keep it tight and make it happen,.. if I had eyes, you'd be their light so I could see the real colors of life... If I had hands you'd be my touch, my way of feeling the world...If I had legs, you'd run them in the world for me and you'd touch the sand of paradise...If I had ears you'd listen to the sound of sea, the music of sirens and I'd follow them even if that meant sinking in the deep blue sea..because there is nothing, nothing in this world that works the magic you do so effortlessly

and beacuse I am not a narcissist, I have no eyes, no ears, no hands, no legs, no heart, no reality, no existence ...without you being. Fully aware of it, I am silent, very silent..beacuse you know all that and more, why the explotation I don't know

the ironical destiny can play with us for as long as you keep ignoring it, and for as long as you keep collecting the unimportant pieces of your existence in the most unusual places ever, just because you're lost ...and I suffer the vertigo of your shadow

and yet, as lifeless as it is,never had I have this strong feeling of belongness about something or someone before..wonder when will I hear that from your skin

[Larsus]

I'm constantly teased by your smell that dances around me and distracts me,
I keep looking what could be the source of this beautiful scent but to no
avail.... just my imagination playing tricks on me ;)

[*~Rexhina~*]

Well written intriguing thoughts. A very interesting topic i must say Qyfe.

Larsus didn't consider you the romantic time j/k...you have expressed your thoughts very eloquently, if indeed you are the one who have wrote them.

[Henri]

Did it really have to come this far? I am left only with a thin layer of silhouette embracing my back. Barren, with my shoulders shrunken forward, as though I am ashamed of the decay that's made my lungs its home. I too shrink, facing the "me" you've so painfully thrown right into my face. Its glow is but a striking thunder that crushes my iris into non-existence, so violently making void a part of nature. For I never felt so fluid as to be able to inhabit all the dresses your bursting passion weaved for me. Yet, I hold my breath, never knowing what colour your nakedness will be this time. Not knowing what to wish for anymore, fearing that your awakening might summon the curly tungues of fire into a meak flickering of a burning star.
Give up the silhouette - being well accustomed to the ability of my flesh to surrender to your very first glance upon it, I pull my only weapon tighter upon its torn eyes. Did I only come this far by contemplating on how to quench your flair for loving the woman, THAT woman?
And yet, a little mushroom reborn out of the bear's chest, breathing the very first air through the pores of his skin, I chose the stake for everything that was once me, but had overnight grown into paraphernalia.
Since it really had to come this far, what screeched and roared while burning slightly reddish in the flames of your uncertainty of self, were only soul-shells I had so carefully picked on tourist stands over the years. And the longing for my dissovling into air.
Give up the silhouette - opal ray splits my lungs in half as my lust chews up the knot that's been depriving my veins from sucking in the breath - your breath. My cum so fluid, that it even makes the night blush, tries on the dresses that your bursting passion has weaved for me.
white...

[Larsus]

I get so sad when I think of you, the moments that we did not enjoy together, the life that we are not going to share …that sweet, soft touch of your hands with that wondering smile of the eyes…that warmth of being together in such a homey close nearness even if that’s of two strange people ….and yet, once we depart from each other, our ties, our closeness, our connection/s leaves us in the desperate, lonely, empty place of being far and apart and alien to everything that once was there.

It is like a melody, our melody, our accidental theme, our accidental story…Lili was here….You were here…..I was here…it was all in the past, nothing projected in the future, all belongs to another time, another life….we are left with the nostalgia of what we could have had, our longing for what never is gone happen, for the lost fantasy hurts in its own dimensions, odd enough, faintly and painful.

It’s the end of it, the death of something not yet aged, just imagined…like sipping the glass of a newly released young wine, tasting its wild youth while enjoying more the thought of how sophisticatedly beautiful, rich, immensely passionate, mondane taste it would developed in its age, in its time…the time that we refuse to give…the sadness of us

[Larsus]

It’s been so long that I haven’t heard your voice, the fifth day just kicked in. It’s been so long I haven’t gotten lost in the depth of those devilish like eyes, the fifth week it’s just around the corner. Ever since I have been fused into you, there is nothing else that can be as nearly exciting, vaguely so entertaining, and similarly comforting to what you do to me. Every minute of the day, every second of that minute it is just another dragging torture of my plain meaningless existence without you in it, it’s another painful push that I have to make towards an unchallenging, empty tomorrow, because of your absence, your choice to be far…

Again came that time of the day, that time of the hour, that fraction of the minute that I am thinking of you, the unknown melody of your love, the negated warmth of your body while slowly and remorsefully chewing the bitter taste of your revenge…because I hurt you, when I didn’t mean too, when I didn’t want you ..bigger than that, your smallness of not getting over it, bigger than that, the tiny little significance of me in the mirror, wondering why your bigger ego could not get better for once, if not for you, for the sake of that kiss…for the sake of believing in it…

I thought that time would stop and enjoy with us that last long kiss. It had to be the last one because it was just too good that anything after couldn’t keep up with that sweetness, that calm passion..Now I am cursing the very next moment that I left you. If I only stayed, if you only came with me, if we only tried to see the sea deep inside ourselves only to discover that we’re holding each other’s dreams, each-other’s hopes, each-other’s pain . For when you’re in pain, my heart aches, when you’re envisioning the future my dreams spread their wings in it, and when you speak of love, I want to be that name

Now, I am counting restlessly, hopelessly the number of five hundred times I want to run to you, and for the five hundred and fifth time, my heart slides and breaks again in the icy distance that you built around yours…so that you can enjoy your thawed untouchable mirage, I have to utterly pay the price and silently suffer….the passion, the name of it, the sake of it, the tango of one…if only there was a better time to say goodbye, if only we could not leave dreams trapped in your coldness …if you only could see what I already believe in...goodbye…

[Prototype]

nice.fare .....

[Larsus]

so thirsty in my quest for what I've lost ..looking at someone else, knowing that is the wrong location, even if so thrill-less, swearing in so many language, shamelessly, it remains the quest for love

not me speaking, I heard that from someone's heart. What a waste! His love will fill the unknown river of dreamers where I have stopped for a while to catch my breath. Breathless, the others, too.. I feel their pain.....the difference between me and them? they're hopeless, unfortunate victims of their wishes, of their unfullfilled desires that blow their minds with the idea of belongness...and they don't know...that I will never be there....for my heart left me, the moment I stopped to catch my breath

the moment I ceased to breath through myself and choosed you to breathe for me..what a waiste!!! for them.. I feel their pain..I begged them so many million times, silently, yes, but I did beg them to stop telling how much they really love me ...I can't

breathe anymore..without you

[Larsus]

too far to be touched, too far to be liked/licked, too far to get a sweet taste of you, (even further far away to get lost in your smell for a tiny little second would have been heaven on earth) yet too hurtfully painful not to be felt-- the same story again, like I needed to be reminded once more that my heart can be powerfully destroyed in million pieces each of them hurting in everyway they hurted before some kind of art restoration, even more..

as I dial the phone number on the cold,grey and good looking phone, the long digits smirk at me with an evil corporate face: watch what you wished for-- shouldn't someone already have told us the secret: make the damn wish right: in the most including and concise way for once, but say it right...

I can struggle,and argue, and doubt my decisions, and laugh at idiocracies, and enjoy my economist, my friends, my music (yeah, my american express) and eventually complete the arch and meet the requirments of happiness-- but I miss you-in so many ways, for so many reasons, in so different dimensions-

I don't have to tell you that, you know- we all do when we miss someone that way-- all I want from you is not to tell me that you love me, not to tell me that you need me, not to tell me that your longing for that moment again, and above everything else, I beg of you, do not mention, even remotely or indicate by any chance that you miss me: It hurts the most!!!!