Joke of the day

[BOKE]

The teacher told Pepito to use these words in a sentence.

1 *Cheese*
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I
shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

[thirsty]

Ok

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"

Have you ever sat on a bus, your thoughts a million miles away, staring blankly at the empty seat in front of you, when suddenly a little old lady sits down in it with her tit in exactly the same place you were staring, but don't quite realise for a few minutes?

Well, I was that little old lady today, and I rather enjoyed it.



hehehe

[MI CORAZON]

How to Cook a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass

[thirsty]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja.

[Maqellarjot]

THE HUSBAND STORE:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
...
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the
products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose
any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the
sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just
across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex..

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[MI CORAZON]

Yo Mamma Jokes

Yo mamma's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her!

Yo mamma's so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo mamma's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.

Yo mamma's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo mamma's so big, when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide.

Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!

[thirsty]

Yo mamma's so old, her memory is in black and white.

the old TVs were black and white, does that mean they worked half the time?

[MI CORAZON]

Things people said:

If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be." -- Councilman John Bowman, commenting on the high crime rate in Washington, D.C.

"[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job." -- George Bush, during his first campaign for the presidency

"A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven." -- Jean Chretien

"If Lincoln was alive today, he'd roll over in his grave." -- Gerald Ford


"I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on the radio." -- Gerald Ford

That is what has made America last these past 200 centuries." -- Gerald Ford

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Charles de Gaulle, President of France

"A zebra does not change its spots." -- Al Gore

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep." -- Senator S. I. Hayakawa

The streets are safe in Philadelphia -- it's only the people who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

"Our offense is like the pythagorean theorem: There is no answer!" -- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player for the L.A. Lakers

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennet, former University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Me and George and Billy are two of a kind." -- Micky Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." -- Louisiana native Britney Spears, when asked the best part of being famous.

"...the wind shining, and the sun blowing gently across the fields." -- Ray Laurence

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?" -- Reverend William Archibald Spooner

[thirsty]

Special Skaters

Original ad:
Attention all ice skaters and hockey players! Volunteers needed to train children participating in the Special Olympics hockey team. Anyone with adequate skating skill can be used to help teach our athletes to skate. Please call 410-***-**** or respond to the email address above.
Judy

From Me to ************@**********.org

Judy,

I am writing in response to your ad regarding helping children learn to skate.

I was a legend in minor league hockey until my career was cut short by a career ending injury. I still love the game of hockey though and would love to pass on my skills to your wonderful children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Mike,

I am sorry to hear about your injury. That is very unfortunate. Are you still able to skate? I only ask because we need someone to skate one-on-one with the children.

Judy

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh yes, I am still able to skate. I think you misunderstood me. My career was cut short because I was banned after causing another player to have a career ending injury. It was an unfortunate accident, but the league came down extremely hard on me. It really wasn't fair, if you ask me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Yikes! What were the circumstances of the ban/injury, if you don't mind me asking?

From Me to Judy *******:

Not at all. It really wasn't a big deal. The guy was fine, but everyone turned it into this huge ordeal. During a fight, I broke his eye socket, fish-hooked his cheek apart and slashed his achilles tendon with my skate. He also suffered brain damage from blood loss, but that is more the paramedics fault than mine for letting him bleed out for so long. Looks like the only sport he'll be playing now is "shitting in a bag" (heh heh). Anyway, the pussies at the commissioner's office considered it "gross misconduct" and "assault" and gave me a lifetime ban. Can you believe that? I thought this was supposed to be hockey!

So like I said, I was a legend in minor league hockey. My nickname used to be "Murderin' Mike" (don't worry, I never actually murdered anyone. It was just a cute nickname). I won more fights than everyone else in the division combined. In fact, I've only ever lost one fight on the ice. But I won the rematch in the parking lot (thank you, tire iron!) I know everything there is to know about fighting and would love to pass on my skills to your kids. If you want them to be the best damn hockey fighters in the special olympics, I am your guy. With my training, the other teams won't stand a chance. The ice will be stained with their blood, teeth, and broken dreams.

I am currently in between jobs so I can dedicate a lot of time to helping out.

Best,

Murderin' Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

What do you think this is? The Special Dlympics are for the mentally handicapped. You know that, right? What you described is brutally violent and has no place in the Special Olympics. Frankly I think you deserve to be in jail. Thank you and goodbye.

From Me to Judy *******:

Whoa there. Don't be so dismissive! Do you even know anything about hockey? It sounds to me like you think hockey is just soccer on ice. Well I've got news for you, Judy, you couldn't be more wrong. In hockey, we don't fake injuries and have to miss half the season due to a pulled vagina muscle. We fight it out like men. Fighting is what hockey is all about. It is a tradition that dates back to the first hockey game ever played. If you want your kids to learn how to play hockey, they are going to have to learn how to fight.

I'll teach your kids how get away with everything without the referee seeing it. I'll show them how to make butt-ending, head checking, slashing and tripping look like an accident. They'll learn how to fight like hockey players. I have a whole set of moves I like to use during fights. My personal favorite is the "bowling ball", where you gouge both of the opponent's eyes and then jam your thumb into the roof of their mouth. I used that during a fight once and the guy actually started convulsing! It struck fear into the heart of the other team and we ended up winning the game.

With my expert training, your team will be the most feared team in the entire special olympics. Please reconsider hiring me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

You aren't coming anywhere near these children. Your attitude towards this whole thing is disgusting. Its absolutely disturbing that you find this kind of behavior acceptable. Especially for mentally handicapped children. I don't know what kind of insane league you played in but that is not the level of intensity that's meant for these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh, I get it. You're saying that because these kids are mentally handicapped, that they don't deserve to be treated like regular people? Instead, you want to point out their disabilities and tell them that they will never be able to play hockey like normal people. When I saw in your ad that the kids were mentally challenged, I wasn't fazed. I didn't see kids with disabilities, I saw kids that I could turn into great hockey players. Do you not want them to be able to play hockey like everybody else plays it?

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Give me a freaking break. You know that isn't what I meant. Don't pull that card on me. You expect me to believe that a violent psychopath like you genuinely wants to help the mentally challenged play hockey? Yeah, right! You don't give a damn about these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Judy,

I am starting to think that you are the problem with this team, not the kids. You do not have the right attitude to be working with these kids. If you want to tell these kids that they shouldn't learn hockey the right way because they are mentally challenged, then that is just sad. It is a shame that you are taking away the joy of competitive sports from these kids. Competitive sports are great for kids - it keeps them from turning to drugs and violence in the streets.

Can I please talk to your supervisor? I would like to take your position and suggest that you be fired. You clearly do not have the right attitude to be helping mentally challenged kids.

Sincerely looking forward to taking your job,

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Sure - her number is 1-800-GOTO-HELL

Sincerely done talking to you,

Judy

[Robbery]

Sabato, 27 novembre 2004. Monnalisa! Ho rapito la Gioconda. Poi l'ho portata a letto ma con mio stupore è rimasta un pezzo di legno. Era sempre stato il mio sogno proibito farlo con quel capolavoro di donna. Le mie ex erano tutte delle bambole di pezza, questa si è rivelata di legno. Forse dovrei recarmi ad un sexy shop per prenderne una di gomma, magari ci faccio anche i palloncini. Adesso mi ride spudoratamente in faccia, con quel suo sorriso beffardo. Non me la da. Se la tira la Gioconda, come se fosse una grande modella, si fa vedere dietro vetrine anti-proiettili, fa le passerelle nei più famosi musei del mondo, ma guai a toccarla! Arriva la fine del mondo! Cioè do! Un po' come una prostituta d'alto bordo e di un certo spessore (5-10 centimetri?) di Amsterdam. Ma io l'ho rapita e adesso è qui con me a casa ma neanche sotto tortura vuole svelarmi il suo segreto. Sono solo. Ho paura. Io ho perso l'aereo e la mamma no. Si avvicina Natale e si allontana ferragosto; lei mi guarda, fuori qualche fiocco di neve. Dentro qualche fiocco e basta. Le gambe mi fanno "giacomo-giacomo" ma non risponde nessuno. Chi la vuol comprare? Qualcuno mi ha avvisato che forse è un falso. Un travestito?