Philosophies of boys with nothing to lose

[IsiNYC]

She hooked his arm and they hurried their pace, distancing themselves from everyone in search of explosions flashing in the night's sky. The rain was falling steadily now but they were determined to find celebration up above. There was irony here only to be noticed in hindsight. Love, delicate in every way, searching for explosions. Loud, bright chaotic explosions. They turned the corner and found nothing. Stilli every now and then, the chaos would show itself at a distance and he would point to it making sure that she noticed.

to be cont.

[IsiNYC]

...continued

I remember that day well, all the details about it, everything that escaped me then, resonates so loudly now. Like an explosion in the sky, like screaming in the rain, like laughter in deceit. I wrote the above from the outside looking in, because despite its clarity, it is distant. I write this now with a lucid mind and no clear distinction of what is real and what is fantasy but with a full breath of truth, and although they are often intertwined there is a clear distinction between the two (reality and truth).

I've removed the bandages from these new scars, to see what damage has been done. I see them covering my old ones in different shapes and different sizes letting off a different scent - the damage done by a different you. Besides the air of disillusionment, I am the only thing that remains the same. Zeitgeist. August, tainted forever, forever....forever.

Back to truth. I had accepted it, long before anything drastic happened. Truth approached me, plainly, and it spoke as harshly as only truth can. I took a breath of it, deep inside of me and felt its radiant glow burn me. We were acquainted in silence, undramatically. Reality however, remained the same and although occurrences throughout the years should have sent it crumbling to mere rubble it eluded crashing until my eyes could no longer doubt. With it came a anger, fear, loathing, discontent, vomit, tears, seclusion, promiscuity, disgust and distrust. Everything that I felt, everything that I knew simply vanished. It is in this way, that truth differs from reality. Truth is zen-like. You test it and it smiles at you with pity while Reality, reacts violently

So I've spent my 20's seeking truth and having reality try to meet it. So far I have succeeded to my despair.

[IsiNYC]

A piece of me, A part of you.

From the shadows
of your cutting screams you'll see
when you start to feel a little piece of me
that there's something you left behind
and blurry nothings in your mind
will bellow whistles in your merry life
and hazy memories will bend time
black and white photos, you and i
remain celebrities in your heart
and i'll tell the truth, and say
that when i'm old, dull and gray
i'll have a vision of a younger you
and on that day i'll miss you too
and regret
we couldn't see through
everything i saw in you
and your heart
will beat you true
no matter when, no matter who
with me you found a piece of you
and you'll see then,
no matter how untrue
everything i ever saw in you.

Beyond the shadows of that vicious day
evil night, evil play
i've dug a hole so i can say
everything I couldn't say
and from that hole a tree will grow
when we're silver dull and gray
and despite the years it took to grow
will whither dry in just one day
haunted by its blurry nothings
bellowing whistles in its decay
and on its shadows I will lie
like melancholy lullaby
like explosions in the sky
on a rainy dark July.

HBT

[IsiNYC]

I gather photos
and place them
on top of eachother
in different directions
breaking the order
of lengths and widths
exposing jagged corners
and turn them over
to scribble words
in broken angles
I cut my finger
and feelings escape,
paper-cuts of nostalgia
bleed me happy
clowns, eagles
and genitalia
appear from a bloody
Rorschach test
and I find myself
feeling a little crazy
at the wonder of it all
thoughts, blots and bloody
fingerprints
a collection of me
in the back of your photo.

[IsiNYC]

I am followed
needless moments
like a ship’s moan on deserted waters
screaming for compassion,
waiting to be discovered.
These distant groans
through hollow years
travel decisively through me
i am one
but so many me have lived
so many me have died
i am followed
muted moments full of tension
so many opportunities
exhaling every wrong
forgivingness never came
i have shamed so many
every time I died
wear your mark proudly
a stain of your manufacture
i am followed
imagine you killed
your every man
your hand still holding
the deliverance of death
with a single action
I am no more
you mourn, you mourn
i feel for you
but second chances
like second lives
aren’t
I am followed
perpetual contradiction

[IsiNYC]

"you know the sun will die one day?"
"that's crazy!" I said startled
"it will..." she nodded full of melancholly
"...and it will be dark forever
And there will be no more trees
or vampires or sex....
And I will miss you"
"I suppose I'll miss you too" I said
Saddened by what had just been laid out before me
Eagerly adding "even if....
It would be thousands of years before anything like tha...."
"I would still miss you" she interrupted as her eyes swelled up
"I would miss the ghosts I know and the music
Oh I'd miss the music Isak...
And our home
And how you dance around my accusations
You were always so elegant that way"
"I love you..." I said "...but I'm not going anywhere
"yet" she added
"yet"
And she sunk onto her chair
Slipping away into some sort of lucid dream
Thinking of a time when we couldn't love anymore
Searching for her freedom I suppose

[uj me gaz]

titulli i kesaj teme me duket kontradiktor.

se pari: nese nuk gjendet me c'mund te humbesh, nuk do gjendej as ndonje filozofi e mundshme. do kishin humbur te tera. :)

se dyti: nese dikush e quan veten "cun" mbetet akoma dicka per te humbur: gjinia. :)

[IsiNYC]

1) having nothing to lose doesn't mean there's nothing to be gained...and if that possibility of gaining something manifests itself into reality and you find your present to have evolved from a determined starting position (such as when the title was created) despite how callous one is towards it [evolving], this does not mean it does not exist or even that value cannot be extracted from it.

2) gender cannot be lost regardless of one's willingness to do so - today's technology can mask it but not yet alter it... :-]

[uj me gaz]

1) having nothing to lose doesn't mean there's nothing to be gained...and if that possibility of gaining something manifests itself into reality and you find your present to have evolved from a determined starting position (such as when the title was created) despite how callous one is towards it [evolving], this does not mean it does not exist or even that value cannot be extracted from it.

2) gender cannot be lost regardless of one's willingness to do so - today's technology can mask it but not yet alter it... :-]

1. c'dmth "asgje per te humbur"? (mua me duket se nuk jane fjalet e pershtatshme per te shprehur ne menyre relativisht precize ate qe ke dashur te shprehesh :) )

2. une nuk do vija kurre ne dyshim faktin biologjik te gjinise. ceshtja eshte te shpirti, jo te biologjia. nese ne shpirt ben dallime midis "cun" dhe "goce", mbetet per te humbur dallimi. :)

[Robbery]

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMm....